[Again, he doesn't answer right away; whether it's because he's just finding words or because he is absolutely refusing to break - in front of anyone, honestly, Schwann or otherwise - is difficult to say. His grip is going incredibly tight against that bar he's holding onto, though.]
...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.
no subject
...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.