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[Ah.
It was so much easier to try to keep this professional, though. But he knows that isn't what he wanted, anyway. He's dying tomorrow, and there's so much he's never gotten to say because Alexei never needed to hear what he thought. If Alexei's giving him permission, then he should...]
I heard what you said to Makoto. I... For a long time, I did resent you. To the point where I wanted to stay as Raven forever if ever given the chance.
[At the start of all of this, he said that his wish was likely the same as Alexei's.
It wasn't.]
But the time we spent here made me think about it more. About...certain feelings I didn't even realize you had for me. And what you said to Makoto really drove it home that...despite that, I couldn't stop the guilt from eating at me when you would speak to me of your dreams, even if I was starting to lose sight of what you were even trying to do.
[He just wanted to turn his emotions off as he always had, because that's what a good tool with no will of its own does.]
I didn't want for you to die and not even get to that wish finally fulfilled.
[...and even then, he still can't fully spit it out.]
It was so much easier to try to keep this professional, though. But he knows that isn't what he wanted, anyway. He's dying tomorrow, and there's so much he's never gotten to say because Alexei never needed to hear what he thought. If Alexei's giving him permission, then he should...]
I heard what you said to Makoto. I... For a long time, I did resent you. To the point where I wanted to stay as Raven forever if ever given the chance.
[At the start of all of this, he said that his wish was likely the same as Alexei's.
It wasn't.]
But the time we spent here made me think about it more. About...certain feelings I didn't even realize you had for me. And what you said to Makoto really drove it home that...despite that, I couldn't stop the guilt from eating at me when you would speak to me of your dreams, even if I was starting to lose sight of what you were even trying to do.
[He just wanted to turn his emotions off as he always had, because that's what a good tool with no will of its own does.]
I didn't want for you to die and not even get to that wish finally fulfilled.
[...and even then, he still can't fully spit it out.]
Did you think that I didn't know, somehow, how much you resented me? It was fairly obvious; I'm not blind, nor am I stupid. I've always been well aware.
I suppose that's why I'm surprised you didn't allow things to follow through as they were. Both you and Yeager would be rid of me that way, would you not?
[He's able to keep his tone fairly neutral as he says it; it isn't something that's particularly difficult for him. At least that aspect of things, anyway.
Everything else...well.]
What I said to Makoto... I stand by it in that your thoughts are yours to do as you see fit with. And I've already told you what I intend to do, whether you hate me for it or not.
Either way, I have no intention of punishing you now, or holding this too deeply against you. It's ultimately Hamelin's fault that you're there, not yours.
I suppose that's why I'm surprised you didn't allow things to follow through as they were. Both you and Yeager would be rid of me that way, would you not?
[He's able to keep his tone fairly neutral as he says it; it isn't something that's particularly difficult for him. At least that aspect of things, anyway.
Everything else...well.]
What I said to Makoto... I stand by it in that your thoughts are yours to do as you see fit with. And I've already told you what I intend to do, whether you hate me for it or not.
Either way, I have no intention of punishing you now, or holding this too deeply against you. It's ultimately Hamelin's fault that you're there, not yours.
[He just grits his teeth and bears the entire verbal thrashing that he receives in return for finally speaking up. That's...about what he expected, honestly, but part of him was hoping it would have gone differently.
As much as he wants to just curl in on himself and not say anything, he...]
I won't hate you for it.
[Alexei most likely didn't want to actually know what his thoughts were, but he did say he can do with them what he wants. And he wants this thought to be heard.]
As much as he wants to just curl in on himself and not say anything, he...]
I won't hate you for it.
[Alexei most likely didn't want to actually know what his thoughts were, but he did say he can do with them what he wants. And he wants this thought to be heard.]
[That gets a soft but distinctly agitated noise out of him.]
After all of this, you-
[He can hear his tone becoming sharp and elevated again, and he forcibly cuts himself off before he can say anything else; he's aware, somewhere in there, that he literally just told Schwann to actually talk to him and proceeded to punish him for doing so for some goddamn arbitrary reason, and he just tries to make himself breathe for a moment to keep himself from doing it again.
He seems calmer when he speaks again. It's hard to say whether he actually is or if he's just forcing himself to be.]
This isn't happening because you're weak, or selfish, or because of anything you did wrong. If Tenn hadn't checked you over, it would have been done again anyway, by someone you don't trust as much.
[He closes his eyes for a moment. Forces whatever agitation might be welling up back down.]
You've done all you can, and in the end you chose to spare my life. I... I won't punish you for that.
After all of this, you-
[He can hear his tone becoming sharp and elevated again, and he forcibly cuts himself off before he can say anything else; he's aware, somewhere in there, that he literally just told Schwann to actually talk to him and proceeded to punish him for doing so for some goddamn arbitrary reason, and he just tries to make himself breathe for a moment to keep himself from doing it again.
He seems calmer when he speaks again. It's hard to say whether he actually is or if he's just forcing himself to be.]
This isn't happening because you're weak, or selfish, or because of anything you did wrong. If Tenn hadn't checked you over, it would have been done again anyway, by someone you don't trust as much.
[He closes his eyes for a moment. Forces whatever agitation might be welling up back down.]
You've done all you can, and in the end you chose to spare my life. I... I won't punish you for that.
[Schwann is fully prepared for a second round of punishment, but looks up at Alexei with surprise when it doesn't come. Instead, what he gets is...
Something that he has no idea what to do with.
His gaze drops again, this time followed by trembling shoulders and a sorry attempt at concealing the overflow of emotion that he can't deal with anymore.]
Something that he has no idea what to do with.
His gaze drops again, this time followed by trembling shoulders and a sorry attempt at concealing the overflow of emotion that he can't deal with anymore.]
[He approaches the bars quietly, letting the fingers of one hand wrap around one of them while he tries to sort out what to do with this; after a while he seems to decide on just allowing himself to be unsure. He's never been good with displays of emotion - either his own or other people's - and this isn't really an exception; when he finds something else to say, it's...awkward, but it's something.]
You haven't failed me. I don't want you to die believing that.
You haven't failed me. I don't want you to die believing that.
[Someday, if he’s blessed with the opportunity, he’ll have a lot of apologizing to do. Alexei doesn’t need to deal with this on top of everything else, he knows that.
Awkward though his words may be, they mean just as much to hear as what set off Schwann’s emotions in the first place. Alexei is not someone to say things to people because he knows it’s what they want to hear. This is genuine, and more comforting than Schwann believes he deserves. But that doesn’t stop him from accepting them. He’ll hold them close to his heart (…or lackthereof) when the end comes.]
…Thank you, Alexei.
[Not sir. Alexei.]
I wish I could properly put it into words how much this has all meant to me.
Awkward though his words may be, they mean just as much to hear as what set off Schwann’s emotions in the first place. Alexei is not someone to say things to people because he knows it’s what they want to hear. This is genuine, and more comforting than Schwann believes he deserves. But that doesn’t stop him from accepting them. He’ll hold them close to his heart (…or lackthereof) when the end comes.]
…Thank you, Alexei.
[Not sir. Alexei.]
I wish I could properly put it into words how much this has all meant to me.
[Oh, that's...
He tries, for a moment, to figure out how he feels about being addressed like that; he decides that ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. It is what it is, and he doesn't hate it, and he sort of has to acknowledge that sometimes he and Schwann have to initially handle things by deciding they don't hate the thing in question.]
...Honestly, even if you could, I would probably just snap at you again...
[It's not an apology, but it's about as close as he gets.
Anyway...]
I won't waste what you've given me. And I have no intention of following you. That much is still true, even now.
[Those of us that have been left behind have an obligation to continue living for those who no longer can.]
He tries, for a moment, to figure out how he feels about being addressed like that; he decides that ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. It is what it is, and he doesn't hate it, and he sort of has to acknowledge that sometimes he and Schwann have to initially handle things by deciding they don't hate the thing in question.]
...Honestly, even if you could, I would probably just snap at you again...
[It's not an apology, but it's about as close as he gets.
Anyway...]
I won't waste what you've given me. And I have no intention of following you. That much is still true, even now.
[Those of us that have been left behind have an obligation to continue living for those who no longer can.]
[Oddly enough, that gets a noise from Schwann that could be considered positive.]
I would deserve it, considering it would probably be a rambling mess anyway.
[Schwann had a good reason for keeping quiet as much as he did. He's just about as bad at emotions as Alexei.
But...yeah. He does fall silent again as he processes that second bit. Though Alexei didn't say it aloud, it's hard for those words to not replay in Schwann's mind. He slowly raises to his feet so he's on Alexei's level once more, and tentatively reaches out toward the bars to put a hand on Alexei's.]
I'm not leaving you behind. Not this time.
[Before all of this, once upon a time, Schwann Oltorain wandered through his life waiting for his time to finally come. But now? If he could do it all again, he'd find some way to talk Alexei out of what just transpired so neither of them would be in this position. He's glad to be going instead of Alexei, but that doesn't mean it was easy to choose their potential deaths either. Between Brave Vesperia and everyone here...they've taught him that maybe life really is worth living, even if he resented the second chance he got at first.
So that's why he won't hate Alexei if he and the others manage to find a way to bring the dead back. This time, it's something that he'd want more than anything.]
I would deserve it, considering it would probably be a rambling mess anyway.
[Schwann had a good reason for keeping quiet as much as he did. He's just about as bad at emotions as Alexei.
But...yeah. He does fall silent again as he processes that second bit. Though Alexei didn't say it aloud, it's hard for those words to not replay in Schwann's mind. He slowly raises to his feet so he's on Alexei's level once more, and tentatively reaches out toward the bars to put a hand on Alexei's.]
I'm not leaving you behind. Not this time.
[Before all of this, once upon a time, Schwann Oltorain wandered through his life waiting for his time to finally come. But now? If he could do it all again, he'd find some way to talk Alexei out of what just transpired so neither of them would be in this position. He's glad to be going instead of Alexei, but that doesn't mean it was easy to choose their potential deaths either. Between Brave Vesperia and everyone here...they've taught him that maybe life really is worth living, even if he resented the second chance he got at first.
So that's why he won't hate Alexei if he and the others manage to find a way to bring the dead back. This time, it's something that he'd want more than anything.]
[He flinches slightly at the touch, but it's not enough to imply that he wants to pull away - it's more that he wasn't expecting it than anything, but he settles quickly enough. The words, however... The words lance through him hard, causing something to crack sharply in his chest, dripping down cold like ice; he can't bring himself to make eye contact, letting his gaze shoot low as his breathing catches hard.]
I...
[He hasn't been doing particularly well at keeping his emotions in check while he's been down here, but he hasn't felt this close to outright breaking in a long time; doing so is unforgivable, everything that he's been doing here is unforgivable, it's all something to be exploited again and again until there's nothing left because that's the price people pay for their closeness - it blinds them to what matters, and to the intentions of those who would rather you be dead than inconvenient.
It's safer to not allow it, for emotions to be unforgivable trespasses, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't know how else to respond to this; it's hard to process, really - the notion that after all this time, that's literally all he's wanted to hear. It fixes nothing, but he can't say it changes nothing; he shakes his head a bit, the gesture tight, and the sound he offers is almost amused in a sick, broken sort of way.]
I'll hold you to it, then. I'm...rather tired of it, at this point.
I...
[He hasn't been doing particularly well at keeping his emotions in check while he's been down here, but he hasn't felt this close to outright breaking in a long time; doing so is unforgivable, everything that he's been doing here is unforgivable, it's all something to be exploited again and again until there's nothing left because that's the price people pay for their closeness - it blinds them to what matters, and to the intentions of those who would rather you be dead than inconvenient.
It's safer to not allow it, for emotions to be unforgivable trespasses, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't know how else to respond to this; it's hard to process, really - the notion that after all this time, that's literally all he's wanted to hear. It fixes nothing, but he can't say it changes nothing; he shakes his head a bit, the gesture tight, and the sound he offers is almost amused in a sick, broken sort of way.]
I'll hold you to it, then. I'm...rather tired of it, at this point.
[Alexei's been so good at hiding his emotions that any changes to the status quo do not go unnoticed by Schwann. And the longer he's spent with Alexei here, especially here and now, the more he feels like an absolute fool for refusing to question any of the changes that he saw from Alexei back home. How different would things have been if he had?
Well, he's not making that mistake anymore. He gives Alexei's hand a gentle squeeze as he rests his forehead between the bars.]
Yes... I imagine you are.
[This week only served as a reminder of how many have gone before Alexei, and now Schwann is about to leave him too.
"All I have left now is you."]
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to realize it.
[And to realize how much seeing Alexei struggle like this in front of him hurts.]
Well, he's not making that mistake anymore. He gives Alexei's hand a gentle squeeze as he rests his forehead between the bars.]
Yes... I imagine you are.
[This week only served as a reminder of how many have gone before Alexei, and now Schwann is about to leave him too.
"All I have left now is you."]
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to realize it.
[And to realize how much seeing Alexei struggle like this in front of him hurts.]
...wow.
[He didn't mean to say that aloud, but it escapes him in his surprise. He really just asked Alexei Dinoia, Commandant of the Imperial Knights and the most complicated person in his life, to spend the night with him. And he didn't receive a reprimand.
Schwann is going to hate himself so much in the morning.
Tonight, however... Wow.]
I- I mean... Would you like to, then? I'll make it very comfortable.
[He didn't mean to say that aloud, but it escapes him in his surprise. He really just asked Alexei Dinoia, Commandant of the Imperial Knights and the most complicated person in his life, to spend the night with him. And he didn't receive a reprimand.
Schwann is going to hate himself so much in the morning.
Tonight, however... Wow.]
I- I mean... Would you like to, then? I'll make it very comfortable.
[He doesn't say anything for a good while; he just tries to get his emotions back under control, already chastising himself for letting as much through as he has, and he hasn't managed it by the time he finds something to say.
Almost. But not entirely.]
I don't fault you for it. You shouldn't be expected to handle all of that.
[If he can't regulate his own emotions he's certainly not going to ask anyone else to; they were pretty damn unregulated when he'd first brought Schwann back, surely, but since then... Since then it's been easier to dismiss them altogether, to discard them as meaningless, to just let things lie as they are without trying to process them.
He's out of practice by now, really.]
You certainly don't need to start concerning yourself with it now. I'll manage. You know I always do.
Almost. But not entirely.]
I don't fault you for it. You shouldn't be expected to handle all of that.
[If he can't regulate his own emotions he's certainly not going to ask anyone else to; they were pretty damn unregulated when he'd first brought Schwann back, surely, but since then... Since then it's been easier to dismiss them altogether, to discard them as meaningless, to just let things lie as they are without trying to process them.
He's out of practice by now, really.]
You certainly don't need to start concerning yourself with it now. I'll manage. You know I always do.
[Thank you for continuing, Schwann, because there is no acceptable way to ask if that's a good "wow" or not without sounding like a total idiot.
As it stands, this is all very...
...
You know what, "wow" may be an accurate assessment, albeit a really drunk one.]
I...would like that, yes.
As it stands, this is all very...
...
You know what, "wow" may be an accurate assessment, albeit a really drunk one.]
I...would like that, yes.
Alexei...
[Judging from the tone of his response, apparently this is the perfect time for him to start concerning himself with it.]
I won't think less of you if you need to let your emotions out. [Considering he's the one causing all of it right now.] I didn't think I was ever very good at...this sort of thing, but I've been told that it helped when I was there for others. So before I have to leave you for a little while...let me handle it, just this once.
[Let him bear those unregulated emotions.]
[Judging from the tone of his response, apparently this is the perfect time for him to start concerning himself with it.]
I won't think less of you if you need to let your emotions out. [Considering he's the one causing all of it right now.] I didn't think I was ever very good at...this sort of thing, but I've been told that it helped when I was there for others. So before I have to leave you for a little while...let me handle it, just this once.
[Let him bear those unregulated emotions.]
Edited 2021-07-07 04:32 (UTC)
[He shakes his head at that; his breathing catches again, it takes him a moment to force it into something a bit more regular.]
You don't have to offer me that.
[It's a bad night for eye contact; he seems aimless again, having clear difficulty focusing.]
How can you offer me that, after everything I've done to you?
You don't have to offer me that.
[It's a bad night for eye contact; he seems aimless again, having clear difficulty focusing.]
How can you offer me that, after everything I've done to you?
[It's a good "wow"! And also a very surprised "wow". And...yes, a really drunk "wow".]
You know...that does have a much better ring to it than "I don't hate it".
[He slowly lifts himself up off of Alexei so they're both free to take this to the bed. It doesn't take him long at all to get it ready for the two of them from there.]
Did you need anything before...?
[Quiet motioning toward the bed... He has no idea how to not do this awkwardly. Even while drunk, it's kind of intimidating to prepare for Alexei of all people to enter your bed?!]
You know...that does have a much better ring to it than "I don't hate it".
[He slowly lifts himself up off of Alexei so they're both free to take this to the bed. It doesn't take him long at all to get it ready for the two of them from there.]
Did you need anything before...?
[Quiet motioning toward the bed... He has no idea how to not do this awkwardly. Even while drunk, it's kind of intimidating to prepare for Alexei of all people to enter your bed?!]
I don't believe so...
[He's just kind of watching this entire process; it's difficult to tell whether he's actually judging any of this or if that's just the expression his face has decided to settle into. It occurs to him, vaguely, that Schwann seems almost nervous about this; at the very least it's awkward, and while Alexei did not drink nearly as much as pretty much everyone else in that bar did tonight he's still got just enough in him to find this sort of endearing.]
...I'm sure you're aware you can relax?
[He's just kind of watching this entire process; it's difficult to tell whether he's actually judging any of this or if that's just the expression his face has decided to settle into. It occurs to him, vaguely, that Schwann seems almost nervous about this; at the very least it's awkward, and while Alexei did not drink nearly as much as pretty much everyone else in that bar did tonight he's still got just enough in him to find this sort of endearing.]
...I'm sure you're aware you can relax?
["...after everything I've done to you?"
Ah... It hits Schwann a bit strangely to hear Alexei actually say that aloud. His eyes widen slightly, and he has to likewise take a moment to collect himself.]
For the same reason I want to stay by your side.
[Though Alexei won't look at him, Schwann keeps his eyes level on him.]
For so long, I closed myself off just as you had. I let myself sit in my misery and refused to open my eyes to the merits of what you had given me. I refused to let myself consider that you actually cared for me beyond what I could offer you as a tool, and I was content to just let that continue until I died.
You've done something horrible to me- that I won't ignore. But...I also wouldn't be here now if you hadn't. I wouldn't have met the Don, or Brave Vesperia, I would never have gone through this experience with you, Yeager and the others.
[He sighs and shakes his head.]
I just... I just want to. I've let myself want for nothing for ten years, Alexei. Please, just let me offer you something with my own will.
Ah... It hits Schwann a bit strangely to hear Alexei actually say that aloud. His eyes widen slightly, and he has to likewise take a moment to collect himself.]
For the same reason I want to stay by your side.
[Though Alexei won't look at him, Schwann keeps his eyes level on him.]
For so long, I closed myself off just as you had. I let myself sit in my misery and refused to open my eyes to the merits of what you had given me. I refused to let myself consider that you actually cared for me beyond what I could offer you as a tool, and I was content to just let that continue until I died.
You've done something horrible to me- that I won't ignore. But...I also wouldn't be here now if you hadn't. I wouldn't have met the Don, or Brave Vesperia, I would never have gone through this experience with you, Yeager and the others.
[He sighs and shakes his head.]
I just... I just want to. I've let myself want for nothing for ten years, Alexei. Please, just let me offer you something with my own will.
[Oh no, he got called out on it! That just does wonders for making the flushing in his cheeks a little more prominent, and so he tries to look away toward the bed.]
I assure you I'm not doing this on purpose.
[Yes, yes he is very aware, but it's Alexei and-- Well, he was fine earlier once they'd gotten going with their makeout session. He'll probably be fine once they're in bed.]
Here, the bed is ready. Take whatever side you'd like.
I assure you I'm not doing this on purpose.
[Yes, yes he is very aware, but it's Alexei and-- Well, he was fine earlier once they'd gotten going with their makeout session. He'll probably be fine once they're in bed.]
Here, the bed is ready. Take whatever side you'd like.
[Again, he doesn't answer right away; whether it's because he's just finding words or because he is absolutely refusing to break - in front of anyone, honestly, Schwann or otherwise - is difficult to say. His grip is going incredibly tight against that bar he's holding onto, though.]
...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.
...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.
[Fortunately enough for everyone here, Alexei is not overly picky about bed designations? He has preferences, as anyone does, but he can sleep pretty much wherever. So he'll just pick a side for now, and make his way over there, and...admittedly he's also going to fuss with the bedcovers for a moment before even sitting down on the damn bed because it seems to occur to him, incredibly belatedly, that he should find this awkward.
But eventually he'll settle, and this whole thing is...strange. Again, it's not really the sort of thing that it even really occurs to him to want to do with anyone else; granted, until it had been proposed he hadn't ever thought about wanting to do this with Schwann, either, but now that they've decided to...
...Well. He sort of wonders if they'll keep to the general sentiment of not doing anything.]
But eventually he'll settle, and this whole thing is...strange. Again, it's not really the sort of thing that it even really occurs to him to want to do with anyone else; granted, until it had been proposed he hadn't ever thought about wanting to do this with Schwann, either, but now that they've decided to...
...Well. He sort of wonders if they'll keep to the general sentiment of not doing anything.]
[As Schwann takes all of this in, it puts so much into perspective. He thought Alexei had changed recently, but he had allowed himself to not perceive the greatest change of all. Before the explosion, before he agreed to Alexei's first ever order to take out their enemies...Alexei really did care. He hadn't revived Schwann and Yeager merely to use them as tools, not in the beginning. He just...wanted to save someone. Along the way though, Alexei forced himself to stop caring just as Schwann had.
It just... It explains so much.
He takes a shuddering breath.]
We've both really let ourselves become sad examples of knights, haven't we?
[It's something he'd thought a lot about this week. Every time he'd catch Casey in a reflective surface, he'd think about how disappointed she would really be if she saw him today. Alexei, too...he was the type of true knight that Casey really believed could change things. But none of this was how she'd have wanted it to go.]
...I'm tired of living like this. Of resenting you, and acting like running away is going to solve everything. If things truly have changed here, then let's use that as a stepping stone to get on the right path.
It just... It explains so much.
He takes a shuddering breath.]
We've both really let ourselves become sad examples of knights, haven't we?
[It's something he'd thought a lot about this week. Every time he'd catch Casey in a reflective surface, he'd think about how disappointed she would really be if she saw him today. Alexei, too...he was the type of true knight that Casey really believed could change things. But none of this was how she'd have wanted it to go.]
...I'm tired of living like this. Of resenting you, and acting like running away is going to solve everything. If things truly have changed here, then let's use that as a stepping stone to get on the right path.
[Thank the goddess, now Schwann doesn't have to feel weird for being the only awkward one here. However, once he's kicked his shoes and shrugged his jacket off, the nerves begin to die down a little too. He joins Alexei on the open side of the bed, crawling under the covers and patting on Alexei's pillow for him to lie down too.
He's done this plenty of times with women, but the emotions and feelings were always at an arm's length. Here and now, though...whether it's the alcohol, Hamelin's song, something else entirely or all of the above, it's incredibly difficult to hold those things back.]
He's done this plenty of times with women, but the emotions and feelings were always at an arm's length. Here and now, though...whether it's the alcohol, Hamelin's song, something else entirely or all of the above, it's incredibly difficult to hold those things back.]
Edited 2021-07-07 17:28 (UTC)
[The hesitation this time is obvious, nearly tangible in nature.]
...I don't know how possible that is for me, outside of this place.
[Not with what he's set in motion; not with what he's already doing. It isn't possible to come back from all of that; it alarms him a bit, how little he would want to.
He's going to save everyone, one way or another. That's what it comes down to; he can deal with Casey's judgement after he's apprehended, should that come to pass.]
But I understand, and I don't disagree with you.
...I don't know how possible that is for me, outside of this place.
[Not with what he's set in motion; not with what he's already doing. It isn't possible to come back from all of that; it alarms him a bit, how little he would want to.
He's going to save everyone, one way or another. That's what it comes down to; he can deal with Casey's judgement after he's apprehended, should that come to pass.]
But I understand, and I don't disagree with you.
Edited 2021-07-07 17:49 (UTC)
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