[Schwann is fully prepared for a second round of punishment, but looks up at Alexei with surprise when it doesn't come. Instead, what he gets is...
Something that he has no idea what to do with.
His gaze drops again, this time followed by trembling shoulders and a sorry attempt at concealing the overflow of emotion that he can't deal with anymore.]
[He approaches the bars quietly, letting the fingers of one hand wrap around one of them while he tries to sort out what to do with this; after a while he seems to decide on just allowing himself to be unsure. He's never been good with displays of emotion - either his own or other people's - and this isn't really an exception; when he finds something else to say, it's...awkward, but it's something.]
You haven't failed me. I don't want you to die believing that.
[Someday, if he’s blessed with the opportunity, he’ll have a lot of apologizing to do. Alexei doesn’t need to deal with this on top of everything else, he knows that.
Awkward though his words may be, they mean just as much to hear as what set off Schwann’s emotions in the first place. Alexei is not someone to say things to people because he knows it’s what they want to hear. This is genuine, and more comforting than Schwann believes he deserves. But that doesn’t stop him from accepting them. He’ll hold them close to his heart (…or lackthereof) when the end comes.]
…Thank you, Alexei.
[Not sir. Alexei.]
I wish I could properly put it into words how much this has all meant to me.
He tries, for a moment, to figure out how he feels about being addressed like that; he decides that ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. It is what it is, and he doesn't hate it, and he sort of has to acknowledge that sometimes he and Schwann have to initially handle things by deciding they don't hate the thing in question.]
...Honestly, even if you could, I would probably just snap at you again...
[It's not an apology, but it's about as close as he gets.
Anyway...]
I won't waste what you've given me. And I have no intention of following you. That much is still true, even now.
[Those of us that have been left behind have an obligation to continue living for those who no longer can.]
[Oddly enough, that gets a noise from Schwann that could be considered positive.]
I would deserve it, considering it would probably be a rambling mess anyway.
[Schwann had a good reason for keeping quiet as much as he did. He's just about as bad at emotions as Alexei.
But...yeah. He does fall silent again as he processes that second bit. Though Alexei didn't say it aloud, it's hard for those words to not replay in Schwann's mind. He slowly raises to his feet so he's on Alexei's level once more, and tentatively reaches out toward the bars to put a hand on Alexei's.]
I'm not leaving you behind. Not this time.
[Before all of this, once upon a time, Schwann Oltorain wandered through his life waiting for his time to finally come. But now? If he could do it all again, he'd find some way to talk Alexei out of what just transpired so neither of them would be in this position. He's glad to be going instead of Alexei, but that doesn't mean it was easy to choose their potential deaths either. Between Brave Vesperia and everyone here...they've taught him that maybe life really is worth living, even if he resented the second chance he got at first.
So that's why he won't hate Alexei if he and the others manage to find a way to bring the dead back. This time, it's something that he'd want more than anything.]
[He flinches slightly at the touch, but it's not enough to imply that he wants to pull away - it's more that he wasn't expecting it than anything, but he settles quickly enough. The words, however... The words lance through him hard, causing something to crack sharply in his chest, dripping down cold like ice; he can't bring himself to make eye contact, letting his gaze shoot low as his breathing catches hard.]
I...
[He hasn't been doing particularly well at keeping his emotions in check while he's been down here, but he hasn't felt this close to outright breaking in a long time; doing so is unforgivable, everything that he's been doing here is unforgivable, it's all something to be exploited again and again until there's nothing left because that's the price people pay for their closeness - it blinds them to what matters, and to the intentions of those who would rather you be dead than inconvenient.
It's safer to not allow it, for emotions to be unforgivable trespasses, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't know how else to respond to this; it's hard to process, really - the notion that after all this time, that's literally all he's wanted to hear. It fixes nothing, but he can't say it changes nothing; he shakes his head a bit, the gesture tight, and the sound he offers is almost amused in a sick, broken sort of way.]
I'll hold you to it, then. I'm...rather tired of it, at this point.
[Alexei's been so good at hiding his emotions that any changes to the status quo do not go unnoticed by Schwann. And the longer he's spent with Alexei here, especially here and now, the more he feels like an absolute fool for refusing to question any of the changes that he saw from Alexei back home. How different would things have been if he had?
Well, he's not making that mistake anymore. He gives Alexei's hand a gentle squeeze as he rests his forehead between the bars.]
Yes... I imagine you are.
[This week only served as a reminder of how many have gone before Alexei, and now Schwann is about to leave him too.
"All I have left now is you."]
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to realize it.
[And to realize how much seeing Alexei struggle like this in front of him hurts.]
[He doesn't say anything for a good while; he just tries to get his emotions back under control, already chastising himself for letting as much through as he has, and he hasn't managed it by the time he finds something to say.
Almost. But not entirely.]
I don't fault you for it. You shouldn't be expected to handle all of that.
[If he can't regulate his own emotions he's certainly not going to ask anyone else to; they were pretty damn unregulated when he'd first brought Schwann back, surely, but since then... Since then it's been easier to dismiss them altogether, to discard them as meaningless, to just let things lie as they are without trying to process them.
He's out of practice by now, really.]
You certainly don't need to start concerning yourself with it now. I'll manage. You know I always do.
[Judging from the tone of his response, apparently this is the perfect time for him to start concerning himself with it.]
I won't think less of you if you need to let your emotions out. [Considering he's the one causing all of it right now.] I didn't think I was ever very good at...this sort of thing, but I've been told that it helped when I was there for others. So before I have to leave you for a little while...let me handle it, just this once.
Ah... It hits Schwann a bit strangely to hear Alexei actually say that aloud. His eyes widen slightly, and he has to likewise take a moment to collect himself.]
For the same reason I want to stay by your side.
[Though Alexei won't look at him, Schwann keeps his eyes level on him.]
For so long, I closed myself off just as you had. I let myself sit in my misery and refused to open my eyes to the merits of what you had given me. I refused to let myself consider that you actually cared for me beyond what I could offer you as a tool, and I was content to just let that continue until I died.
You've done something horrible to me- that I won't ignore. But...I also wouldn't be here now if you hadn't. I wouldn't have met the Don, or Brave Vesperia, I would never have gone through this experience with you, Yeager and the others.
[He sighs and shakes his head.]
I just... I just want to. I've let myself want for nothing for ten years, Alexei. Please, just let me offer you something with my own will.
[Again, he doesn't answer right away; whether it's because he's just finding words or because he is absolutely refusing to break - in front of anyone, honestly, Schwann or otherwise - is difficult to say. His grip is going incredibly tight against that bar he's holding onto, though.]
...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.
[As Schwann takes all of this in, it puts so much into perspective. He thought Alexei had changed recently, but he had allowed himself to not perceive the greatest change of all. Before the explosion, before he agreed to Alexei's first ever order to take out their enemies...Alexei really did care. He hadn't revived Schwann and Yeager merely to use them as tools, not in the beginning. He just...wanted to save someone. Along the way though, Alexei forced himself to stop caring just as Schwann had.
It just... It explains so much.
He takes a shuddering breath.]
We've both really let ourselves become sad examples of knights, haven't we?
[It's something he'd thought a lot about this week. Every time he'd catch Casey in a reflective surface, he'd think about how disappointed she would really be if she saw him today. Alexei, too...he was the type of true knight that Casey really believed could change things. But none of this was how she'd have wanted it to go.]
...I'm tired of living like this. Of resenting you, and acting like running away is going to solve everything. If things truly have changed here, then let's use that as a stepping stone to get on the right path.
[The hesitation this time is obvious, nearly tangible in nature.]
...I don't know how possible that is for me, outside of this place.
[Not with what he's set in motion; not with what he's already doing. It isn't possible to come back from all of that; it alarms him a bit, how little he would want to.
He's going to save everyone, one way or another. That's what it comes down to; he can deal with Casey's judgement after he's apprehended, should that come to pass.]
[That coldly neutral tone remains; he's become accustomed to it over the years. It suits him far better, he's fairly sure, than the overemotional, pointless whining he's been engaging in tonight.]
Everyone is serving their own self-interests; they get theirs, and leave the others to rot. There's no reason, no incentive, for them to start over. To restructure as is needed. They won't even agree to lessen our reliance on blastia to lower the chances of another war with the Entelexeia, nor do any peace treaties with the guilds have any chance of remaining intact with things as they are. And you've seen, personally, what happens every time I don't play by the Council's rules.
I've obtained a weapon last used by the ancients to save our world. I intend to use it to do so again.
[The Council. The Empire. Everyone who wouldn't fucking listen, everyone who drove him to this point.
[It's so much to take in. Almost too much. But Schwann takes it all, remaining resolute through the whole thing. If Alexei never told him about any of this until now, then he can guess just what this ancient weapon is going to do. It's horrifying, simply put, and he can see why he was kept in the dark.
It takes everything in his power to not let his emotions show through. Doing so would go back on everything that he just promised to Alexei mere moments ago. With everything that he's learned tonight, he can't be surprised that Alexei has felt driven to such lengths. If he's going to stay by Alexei, he is going to have to aid him in handling whatever is to come next.
He lets out the breath that he hadn't realized he was holding in.]
I see.
[He reaches through the bars- for Alexei's hand.]
Then I stand by what I said. Please, Alexei. Allow me to bear this responsibility with you.
[In any other context, he can't see himself taking the revelation regarding the full scale of Alexei's plan well. He would've wanted to find a way out of it, once and for all.]
I've been dead this entire time for you, then.
[Schwann, that is.
His other hand reaches out as both clasp Alexei's.]
I wish I had known then what I do now. I...don't know what this means for us, if you get the chance to return. But please know that it wouldn't turn out that way every time.
How many times do I have to tell you not to worry about me like this?
[He lets Schwann take his hands, though; his grip is fairly tight, despite his words, and the chastising itself is gentle.]
I won't say that it will be an easy process. But if you get the opportunity... If we bring you back, and you can find a way back to where you came from, I'm sure you can change things. Orchestrate a more favorable outcome.
[He's okay with his own personal outcome being some weird, splintered thing that fails to happen, if it comes to that.]
[The sigh that Schwann exhales is one of relief but also agitation, like he wants to somehow get past the bars and gently shake Alexei.]
You try listening to yourself and not find any of it concerning.
[But since he can't do that, he just squeezes Alexei's hands right back.]
I still find it very difficult to imagine going back now and not sharing memories with you and Yeager. But...if you manage to bring me back and that is my only option, then I will. I'll be there for you this time, no matter how much you try to keep me locked out. We'll figure things out together.
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Something that he has no idea what to do with.
His gaze drops again, this time followed by trembling shoulders and a sorry attempt at concealing the overflow of emotion that he can't deal with anymore.]
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You haven't failed me. I don't want you to die believing that.
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Awkward though his words may be, they mean just as much to hear as what set off Schwann’s emotions in the first place. Alexei is not someone to say things to people because he knows it’s what they want to hear. This is genuine, and more comforting than Schwann believes he deserves. But that doesn’t stop him from accepting them. He’ll hold them close to his heart (…or lackthereof) when the end comes.]
…Thank you, Alexei.
[Not sir. Alexei.]
I wish I could properly put it into words how much this has all meant to me.
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He tries, for a moment, to figure out how he feels about being addressed like that; he decides that ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. It is what it is, and he doesn't hate it, and he sort of has to acknowledge that sometimes he and Schwann have to initially handle things by deciding they don't hate the thing in question.]
...Honestly, even if you could, I would probably just snap at you again...
[It's not an apology, but it's about as close as he gets.
Anyway...]
I won't waste what you've given me. And I have no intention of following you. That much is still true, even now.
[Those of us that have been left behind have an obligation to continue living for those who no longer can.]
cw past suicidal ideation
I would deserve it, considering it would probably be a rambling mess anyway.
[Schwann had a good reason for keeping quiet as much as he did. He's just about as bad at emotions as Alexei.
But...yeah. He does fall silent again as he processes that second bit. Though Alexei didn't say it aloud, it's hard for those words to not replay in Schwann's mind. He slowly raises to his feet so he's on Alexei's level once more, and tentatively reaches out toward the bars to put a hand on Alexei's.]
I'm not leaving you behind. Not this time.
[Before all of this, once upon a time, Schwann Oltorain wandered through his life waiting for his time to finally come. But now? If he could do it all again, he'd find some way to talk Alexei out of what just transpired so neither of them would be in this position. He's glad to be going instead of Alexei, but that doesn't mean it was easy to choose their potential deaths either. Between Brave Vesperia and everyone here...they've taught him that maybe life really is worth living, even if he resented the second chance he got at first.
So that's why he won't hate Alexei if he and the others manage to find a way to bring the dead back. This time, it's something that he'd want more than anything.]
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I...
[He hasn't been doing particularly well at keeping his emotions in check while he's been down here, but he hasn't felt this close to outright breaking in a long time; doing so is unforgivable, everything that he's been doing here is unforgivable, it's all something to be exploited again and again until there's nothing left because that's the price people pay for their closeness - it blinds them to what matters, and to the intentions of those who would rather you be dead than inconvenient.
It's safer to not allow it, for emotions to be unforgivable trespasses, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't know how else to respond to this; it's hard to process, really - the notion that after all this time, that's literally all he's wanted to hear. It fixes nothing, but he can't say it changes nothing; he shakes his head a bit, the gesture tight, and the sound he offers is almost amused in a sick, broken sort of way.]
I'll hold you to it, then. I'm...rather tired of it, at this point.
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Well, he's not making that mistake anymore. He gives Alexei's hand a gentle squeeze as he rests his forehead between the bars.]
Yes... I imagine you are.
[This week only served as a reminder of how many have gone before Alexei, and now Schwann is about to leave him too.
"All I have left now is you."]
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to realize it.
[And to realize how much seeing Alexei struggle like this in front of him hurts.]
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Almost. But not entirely.]
I don't fault you for it. You shouldn't be expected to handle all of that.
[If he can't regulate his own emotions he's certainly not going to ask anyone else to; they were pretty damn unregulated when he'd first brought Schwann back, surely, but since then... Since then it's been easier to dismiss them altogether, to discard them as meaningless, to just let things lie as they are without trying to process them.
He's out of practice by now, really.]
You certainly don't need to start concerning yourself with it now. I'll manage. You know I always do.
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[Judging from the tone of his response, apparently this is the perfect time for him to start concerning himself with it.]
I won't think less of you if you need to let your emotions out. [Considering he's the one causing all of it right now.] I didn't think I was ever very good at...this sort of thing, but I've been told that it helped when I was there for others. So before I have to leave you for a little while...let me handle it, just this once.
[Let him bear those unregulated emotions.]
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You don't have to offer me that.
[It's a bad night for eye contact; he seems aimless again, having clear difficulty focusing.]
How can you offer me that, after everything I've done to you?
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Ah... It hits Schwann a bit strangely to hear Alexei actually say that aloud. His eyes widen slightly, and he has to likewise take a moment to collect himself.]
For the same reason I want to stay by your side.
[Though Alexei won't look at him, Schwann keeps his eyes level on him.]
For so long, I closed myself off just as you had. I let myself sit in my misery and refused to open my eyes to the merits of what you had given me. I refused to let myself consider that you actually cared for me beyond what I could offer you as a tool, and I was content to just let that continue until I died.
You've done something horrible to me- that I won't ignore. But...I also wouldn't be here now if you hadn't. I wouldn't have met the Don, or Brave Vesperia, I would never have gone through this experience with you, Yeager and the others.
[He sighs and shakes his head.]
I just... I just want to. I've let myself want for nothing for ten years, Alexei. Please, just let me offer you something with my own will.
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...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.
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It just... It explains so much.
He takes a shuddering breath.]
We've both really let ourselves become sad examples of knights, haven't we?
[It's something he'd thought a lot about this week. Every time he'd catch Casey in a reflective surface, he'd think about how disappointed she would really be if she saw him today. Alexei, too...he was the type of true knight that Casey really believed could change things. But none of this was how she'd have wanted it to go.]
...I'm tired of living like this. Of resenting you, and acting like running away is going to solve everything. If things truly have changed here, then let's use that as a stepping stone to get on the right path.
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...I don't know how possible that is for me, outside of this place.
[Not with what he's set in motion; not with what he's already doing. It isn't possible to come back from all of that; it alarms him a bit, how little he would want to.
He's going to save everyone, one way or another. That's what it comes down to; he can deal with Casey's judgement after he's apprehended, should that come to pass.]
But I understand, and I don't disagree with you.
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Alexei... What have you done, back home?
[It's time to finally confront this. If he's going to come back to Alexei, he can't ignore it anymore.]
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I'm doing what we've always done.
[He sounds remarkably controlled, when he says it. Forcing everything else out. No emotion, nothing.]
If you destroy enough of the right people, the rest will fall in line.
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Who are the "right people" in this instance? What is it that you haven't been telling me?
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[That coldly neutral tone remains; he's become accustomed to it over the years. It suits him far better, he's fairly sure, than the overemotional, pointless whining he's been engaging in tonight.]
Everyone is serving their own self-interests; they get theirs, and leave the others to rot. There's no reason, no incentive, for them to start over. To restructure as is needed. They won't even agree to lessen our reliance on blastia to lower the chances of another war with the Entelexeia, nor do any peace treaties with the guilds have any chance of remaining intact with things as they are. And you've seen, personally, what happens every time I don't play by the Council's rules.
I've obtained a weapon last used by the ancients to save our world. I intend to use it to do so again.
[The Council. The Empire. Everyone who wouldn't fucking listen, everyone who drove him to this point.
Those are the right people, Schwann.]
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It takes everything in his power to not let his emotions show through. Doing so would go back on everything that he just promised to Alexei mere moments ago. With everything that he's learned tonight, he can't be surprised that Alexei has felt driven to such lengths. If he's going to stay by Alexei, he is going to have to aid him in handling whatever is to come next.
He lets out the breath that he hadn't realized he was holding in.]
I see.
[He reaches through the bars- for Alexei's hand.]
Then I stand by what I said. Please, Alexei. Allow me to bear this responsibility with you.
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You've already made your decision, with regards to that.
[...Yeah.]
You got what you wanted, in the end. You're living as Raven now, and you're standing in opposition to me.
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[In any other context, he can't see himself taking the revelation regarding the full scale of Alexei's plan well. He would've wanted to find a way out of it, once and for all.]
I've been dead this entire time for you, then.
[Schwann, that is.
His other hand reaches out as both clasp Alexei's.]
I wish I had known then what I do now. I...don't know what this means for us, if you get the chance to return. But please know that it wouldn't turn out that way every time.
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[He lets Schwann take his hands, though; his grip is fairly tight, despite his words, and the chastising itself is gentle.]
I won't say that it will be an easy process. But if you get the opportunity... If we bring you back, and you can find a way back to where you came from, I'm sure you can change things. Orchestrate a more favorable outcome.
[He's okay with his own personal outcome being some weird, splintered thing that fails to happen, if it comes to that.]
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You try listening to yourself and not find any of it concerning.
[But since he can't do that, he just squeezes Alexei's hands right back.]
I still find it very difficult to imagine going back now and not sharing memories with you and Yeager. But...if you manage to bring me back and that is my only option, then I will. I'll be there for you this time, no matter how much you try to keep me locked out. We'll figure things out together.
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I'd imagine we don't have many other options. As it is, that's...enough for me, I think.
[This is so grossly complicated? And there's no way to uncomplicate things without causing a horrific amount of logistics problems.]
I would prefer it if we could all remember all of this; of course I would. But if that isn't an option, I trust you with this.
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It...really is complicated, though. Alexei has always been the smart one, so if even he's not sure how to work it all out, then...
Well, they can worry about it more if the time comes. When the time comes.]
Your trust won't be unfounded, should that be how things must come to pass.
[Even if it ends up involving a lot of legitimate shaking. After all of this, he's not going to hold back anymore.]
...Why don't you come back over here, now?
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