[It gets a soft exhale that's nearly a laugh out of him. Yeah, that was pretty damn close. Dying would be preferable to letting anyone else see the damn thing, even if Raven was only slightly above that. Still, the fact he is bothered by it says... something. He's not really sure what it says at this point.
Raven's blastia is entirely different from his own, and subconsciously one of his hands comes up to his cravat before he catches himself and resettles. It would be easier to hide over his heart like that, but there's something about the silver plating and vastly different design that is equally ugly, and equally disturbing to see.]
Apparently. I suppose I am rather envious that yours can be hidden so easily!
[They're empty words, to fill the space, because he isn't sure what to do with this now that he's seen it. It's horrible. It's absolutely horrible that he isn't the only one and that he now knows what it looks like and that makes it all the more real.
But in some strangely morbid way it's... almost comforting, to know that someone else has some idea of what it's like. There are so many questions he could ask, so many things he could (should?) say, but in the end he falls silent, staring at Raven's blastia for a moment longer before shaking his head.]
I appreciate your... support at the trial, though I'm sure this isn't the way either of us would have wanted to... discuss this.
[He certainly never would have wanted to discuss it at all.]
Heh. Imagine...findin' something ta be envious about with these damn things.
[He flings the empty joke right back. It's what's helping him cope with processing what he's learned today. He actually has another one of these horrible heart blastia to compare and contrast with his own.
It's...
Before it becomes too much to deal with, Yeager gives him something to latch onto, and he desperately takes it.]
No... No, it wasn't. [After he finishes buttoning his shirt back up and hiding the blastia away where it belongs, he awkwardly rubs at the back of his head.] I'm sorry for goading it on at first. It didn't really hit me until later on, that...we really were in the same hard place. I wasn't gonna let ya go down because of that.
[He doesn't owe Yeager that- they've never been allies. But...maybe it was just that same morbid comfort of realizing he's not alone.]
[And bluntly put, it's not as though his death here would be a problem. Raven doesn't remember everything that happened afterwards, and perhaps that's a mercy. This would be a very different conversation if Raven remembered the Don's death - and truthfully, that's all the reason Raven would need to want Yeager dead. It isn't something he's allowed himself to think about for any longer than his limited appearance in Dahngrest after the fact, and he really doesn't want to start now.
And that's not even addressing Alexei himself. Yeager is here because Hamelin finds it amusing, he's certain of that. Alexei has no need or use for him here and has mostly left him be; it would be more of a risk to stick his neck out for Yeager than to let him die. That much is obvious, and so the knowledge that Raven did all of this just because he could, is...
It's difficult, truthfully. He doesn't want to think about it.]
You don't need to apologize, anyway. It isn't as though I was willing to assist you when you were being suspected.
[He watched, certainly. And some part of him found it amusing that Raven was dealing with it, that he was being accused of a crime he obviously didn't commit. So perhaps he got what he deserved, although nearly being executed for such a thing is a little much.
Yeager sighs once that's out there absently reaching up to toy with his bangs.]
I do appreciate the good word you put in for me. It seemed like it convinced some of them, at least.
[Raven could have sold him out and gotten him killed in a heartbeat. Just mentioning that Leviathan's Claw is the guild of assassins would have been enough to seal his fate. But Raven twisted things just enough to be believable without seeming like he was desperate to cover for him. It was enough, which is frankly more than Yeager deserved.]
So you really had me figured out, huh… [Another hollow laugh follows.] I guess I shoulda known, way back then. I had my hunches, but…
[Well, the fact that he never asked Yeager before this speaks for itself. They were obviously both content to never acknowledge it, never think about it.]
Guess you’re not wrong, though. But knowin’ you, I wouldn’t have expected any less.
[That’s him saying Yeager’s a dick without him saying Yeager’s a dick.]
It didn’t sit right with me throwin’ ya to the wolves, ‘specially when I pieced things together. We might be at odds, but I don’t want you dead.
Well, I don't intend to die just yet. So I suppose you're stuck with me for a little longer.
[Still, it's... something. All of this conversation is certainly something, and he's not sure if he appreciates it or detests it, because it's the closest he's gotten to ever actually acknowledging the things that happened a decade ago that didn't involve Casey. It's difficult, but that's more or less expected of this topic; he didn't think this conversation with Raven would be enjoyable for either of them.]
It's appreciated, though. But perhaps by next week you'll change your mind, hmm?
[In other words, he will continue being a dick and there is no stopping him. This is who he is now, and he's not doing a damn thing differently.]
That's a very real possibility, y'know. [With a surprisingly well-mimicked German accent:] "Shall I drive poor old Raven to consider murder this week? How fun would that be?"
[But with that little bit of humor out of the way, Raven lets out a sigh and returns to his more somber state.]
...I still find it so hard ta believe, even with the truth right out in the open now. Alexei, he... He told me I was the only one who made it. But seein' you that day, it was like seein' a ghost.
[And he only words it that way because of their similar predicament.]
Did you always know? And just...not wanna talk about it?
[The first part gets a short, sharp laugh out of him, but not exactly a denial. That's exactly the sort of thing he'd attempt to do under most circumstances.
As for the rest... It gets him to settle and glance away for a moment before he corrects it. Talking about this is... difficult, really. He hasn't ever sat down and tried to process all of it, he's simply kept himself moving so he didn't have to think about it.
But now, being faced with it like this...]
You do have a rather distinctive appearance. I wasn't certain initially... but truthfully, I didn't want to consider it.
[What it meant that Raven was there, in the guilds, or what it meant that there was someone else going through the same thing. Perhaps, in some way, he was terrified that it would end like this - where they'd have to actually address all of this.]
Much of my time has been spent gathering information, and somewhere along the way I became certain I was right. But even so, what good would it to do discuss it? It... happened, and we're entirely different people now.
[And maybe that would be true if all ties to that life had been completely discarded, but that isn't the case for either of them, is it?]
[Raven listens quietly, taking in Yeager's perspective.]
I can see where you're comin' from. I think that's why I never really looked into it further either. Because like hell do we need a better reminder of what happened ta us than the things keepin' us alive. Sounds like you've been thinkin' the same.
[But when Yeager mentions them being entirely different people, it's another hit home as to where the paths they've been walking down coincide.
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat as he tries to work through his thoughts on what to say next. Rubbing at his jaw, he continues.]
...But now that you're here in fronta me, and I've seen yer blastia for myself, I... I dunno. It's indescribable, knowin' for sure I'm not alone. I woulda never wished this on ya, but in a terrible way it feels relievin' ta know there's someone out there I can actually relate to.
[The laugh that gets from him is soft, but there's a sharp, bitter edge to it.]
I understand, of course. Someone else who has experienced the same thing... It's a bit crazy to think about, truthfully. Not thinking about it has always been so much easier.
[He managed to go for so long until everything started catching up with him like this, but that likely isn't quite how Raven's been handling it.]
I'm not sure I really know what to say now that we actually have the time to talk about it.
[Even if he hadn't been actively avoiding it back home, they're both busy people, and their paths never crossed in meaningful ways. It's a little odd that they have to deal with it here and now, but perhaps in some morbid way that also makes it a bit easier.]
...Yeah. Comin' here, I thought I had my questions all lined up. But now that we're actually talkin', it's a totally different story.
[...]
I think we deserve a pass, considerin' neither of us should be talkin' ta each other in the first place.
[But he doesn't want to just let heavy silence creep in, or leave and never speak of this again. As much as continuing to avoid this sounds great, they've come way too far now.]
All right, let's start with this. Has your blastia given ya physical problems? I joke about bein' old and tired, but this thing really does knock the wind outta me if I exert myself too much.
[it's not about their past lives, about what Alexei did. It's about them, as they are now. Their current struggles.]
[Honestly, it's good Raven's leading this, and it's also good that Raven's in his room, because otherwise Yeager would have left by now. This is more than he ever wanted to address, after all. But it's... not as terrible as he'd thought it'd be. Raven also makes the decision to address it as they are now, without dwelling in the past, which is far easier for Yeager to handle.]
I've noticed the same thing. While I still can handle myself perfectly well even without Gauche and Droite's assistance, it's far easier on me to have them around just in case.
[In other words, they can handle the random encounters so he doesn't risk straining himself. Boss battles should be saved for important moments!!]
I will admit that I am lucky in that mine has never caused any other problems; if it had, I'm not entirely sure what I could have done about it.
[It's not like he's ever let anyone else see it, after all, and the idea of trying to explain it to anyone with the proper blastia knowledge to handle it is horrid, so he'd really rather not.]
[Can't believe my character has to drag this shit out again--
Raven's eyes widen slightly in realization.]
That's a good point, actually. You coulda been in some deep shit if it seriously malfunctioned. [He absentmindedly reaches toward where his blastia is, remembering what happened to him in Heliord.] Even I don't know how the thing actually works, and I've had ta watch Alexei fiddle with it a bunch of times over the years...
[Which...kind of segues into a more awkward topic, if only briefly.]
I'm...guessin' you and Alexei don't exactly have the same relationship.
[Though given how different their relationships are with Alexei, maybe it wasn't all that bad for Raven. Still, letting anyone look at the blastia for an extended period of time sends chills down Yeager's spine.
At that question, he pauses for a moment, briefly considering how to answer.]
Not at all. If I had a choice in it, I wouldn't have anything to do with him.
[He left the Empire all those years ago and never had any intention of returning.]
I got used to him lookin' over time. Still don't look forward to havin' routine checkups though, and I don't go showin' it ta anyone else.
[That includes anyone who wants to get physically intimate with him. He just...can't, and that's not even getting into his other hangups.
...
"If I had a choice in it"... Raven finds himself running a hand down his face.]
I don't blame you, not one bit. I joined the guilds because Alexei wants me ta keep an eye on the Don, but the more time I've spent with him in Dahngrest and with those kids in Brave Vesperia...the less connected ta my old life I feel. I see why ya worked yer way into the Union yerself.
[But Yeager still does have a connection too, it sounds like.]
I won't ask ya ta go into specifics as ta why you're answerin' to him then. I try not ta question why he's doin' what he's doin' these days as it is.
I... needed to get as far away as I could when I woke up. That's all it was.
[And in some ways, maybe that's still all it is. The further away he gets from it, the more drastically different his life becomes, then the less he has to think about it.]
But I can't say I regret that decision at all. I really do enjoy the guilds.
[It's easy to see where "Raven" became more than just a mask. The Don was an exceptional individual, and Raven's time with Brave Vesperia and friends has undoubtedly shaped him too, even in ways he likely didn't realize and may not be aware of even now.
The last part gets a brief pause from him again before he lifts his shoulders a bit.]
That's the best way to handle it. Regardless of what our... arrangement is like back in Terca Lumireis, things are very different here, ja?
[He doesn't care to protect Alexei, but making waves about this seems ill-advised. Right now they've got bigger things to worry about.]
I still don't know exactly what he's up to, and exactly what it is he's trying to accomplish.
Well, there ain't much further you can get than the guilds.
[So Yeager really did bolt like, immediately. If that's the case, then...as far as Alexei was concerned, there really only was one survivor.
As for their current circumstances...man, hearing that from Yeager leaves him feeling even more uneasy.]
And you have more memories than I do... [His gaze drifts to the floor for a moment as he considers it. What the hell is going on in Alexei's head?] I know you've got no reason ta care, but I've been tryin' ta get him ta talk. You're probably right about not pushin' it too hard here, though. Hamelin's decided ta make him our biggest problem at the moment.
[There's a brief moment of pause while he briefly considers telling Raven everything he remembers happening. It wouldn't explain Alexei's plans, but it would be satisfying... but that's just going to cause more problems than he really feels like dealing with right now. So fine, he'll continue to follow orders. For now.]
I must admit, I am curious about it... But ja, we can't exactly prioritize everything going on back home when we have this situation to deal with.
Though given how little there is to do here... maybe you'll have some success at getting him to talk at some point.
[Oh, so Yeager would like to know... He nods, filing that away.]
He's...been pretty evasive so far. Says my concerns are unwarranted. [Which obviously doesn't sit right with him from the look of frustration on his face.] And I have no idea how ta even approach talkin' ta him about today...
[About how he never knew he wasn't the only survivor from the platoon, and why Alexei never bothered to tell him. But at this point...what even is there to say?]
But yeah, ya do bring up a good point. If we've got enough downtime...maybe he'll relent a little.
Edited (forgot a whole-ass word) 2021-06-19 05:00 (UTC)
[Once again there's a pause as he considers. He doesn't really know how to address this, but...]
We haven't been working together the whole time.
[So it's possible Alexei assumed he died. It's possible that he really did mean it, that Raven was the only one - because he was the only one still around. It wasn't exactly the truth, but it wasn't precisely a lie either; he didn't stick around for any longer than was absolutely necessary. The moment he could move was the moment he escaped, and he didn't look back.]
Still, you'd think it would be important information for you to have... particularly when we were in the same area.
[While he may find fighting over a box hilarious, he doubts Raven shares that sentiment!!!]
Anyway, he likely has his reasons for keeping secrets, whatever those may be. I'm certain whatever he has to say about me won't be particularly kind, but I don't really care. Feel free to ask him whatever you'd like.
[It's easier to shove that off on Alexei than to have to answer for himself. Can Alexei even answer any of the questions Raven might have? Maybe not, but whatever, he'd rather not deal with it!]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Raven's blastia is entirely different from his own, and subconsciously one of his hands comes up to his cravat before he catches himself and resettles. It would be easier to hide over his heart like that, but there's something about the silver plating and vastly different design that is equally ugly, and equally disturbing to see.]
Apparently. I suppose I am rather envious that yours can be hidden so easily!
[They're empty words, to fill the space, because he isn't sure what to do with this now that he's seen it. It's horrible. It's absolutely horrible that he isn't the only one and that he now knows what it looks like and that makes it all the more real.
But in some strangely morbid way it's... almost comforting, to know that someone else has some idea of what it's like. There are so many questions he could ask, so many things he could (should?) say, but in the end he falls silent, staring at Raven's blastia for a moment longer before shaking his head.]
I appreciate your... support at the trial, though I'm sure this isn't the way either of us would have wanted to... discuss this.
[He certainly never would have wanted to discuss it at all.]
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[He flings the empty joke right back. It's what's helping him cope with processing what he's learned today. He actually has another one of these horrible heart blastia to compare and contrast with his own.
It's...
Before it becomes too much to deal with, Yeager gives him something to latch onto, and he desperately takes it.]
No... No, it wasn't. [After he finishes buttoning his shirt back up and hiding the blastia away where it belongs, he awkwardly rubs at the back of his head.] I'm sorry for goading it on at first. It didn't really hit me until later on, that...we really were in the same hard place. I wasn't gonna let ya go down because of that.
[He doesn't owe Yeager that- they've never been allies. But...maybe it was just that same morbid comfort of realizing he's not alone.]
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[And bluntly put, it's not as though his death here would be a problem. Raven doesn't remember everything that happened afterwards, and perhaps that's a mercy. This would be a very different conversation if Raven remembered the Don's death - and truthfully, that's all the reason Raven would need to want Yeager dead. It isn't something he's allowed himself to think about for any longer than his limited appearance in Dahngrest after the fact, and he really doesn't want to start now.
And that's not even addressing Alexei himself. Yeager is here because Hamelin finds it amusing, he's certain of that. Alexei has no need or use for him here and has mostly left him be; it would be more of a risk to stick his neck out for Yeager than to let him die. That much is obvious, and so the knowledge that Raven did all of this just because he could, is...
It's difficult, truthfully. He doesn't want to think about it.]
You don't need to apologize, anyway. It isn't as though I was willing to assist you when you were being suspected.
[He watched, certainly. And some part of him found it amusing that Raven was dealing with it, that he was being accused of a crime he obviously didn't commit. So perhaps he got what he deserved, although nearly being executed for such a thing is a little much.
Yeager sighs once that's out there absently reaching up to toy with his bangs.]
I do appreciate the good word you put in for me. It seemed like it convinced some of them, at least.
[Raven could have sold him out and gotten him killed in a heartbeat. Just mentioning that Leviathan's Claw is the guild of assassins would have been enough to seal his fate. But Raven twisted things just enough to be believable without seeming like he was desperate to cover for him. It was enough, which is frankly more than Yeager deserved.]
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[Well, the fact that he never asked Yeager before this speaks for itself. They were obviously both content to never acknowledge it, never think about it.]
Guess you’re not wrong, though. But knowin’ you, I wouldn’t have expected any less.
[That’s him saying Yeager’s a dick without him saying Yeager’s a dick.]
It didn’t sit right with me throwin’ ya to the wolves, ‘specially when I pieced things together. We might be at odds, but I don’t want you dead.
[Yet.]
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Well, I don't intend to die just yet. So I suppose you're stuck with me for a little longer.
[Still, it's... something. All of this conversation is certainly something, and he's not sure if he appreciates it or detests it, because it's the closest he's gotten to ever actually acknowledging the things that happened a decade ago that didn't involve Casey. It's difficult, but that's more or less expected of this topic; he didn't think this conversation with Raven would be enjoyable for either of them.]
It's appreciated, though. But perhaps by next week you'll change your mind, hmm?
[In other words, he will continue being a dick and there is no stopping him. This is who he is now, and he's not doing a damn thing differently.]
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[But with that little bit of humor out of the way, Raven lets out a sigh and returns to his more somber state.]
...I still find it so hard ta believe, even with the truth right out in the open now. Alexei, he... He told me I was the only one who made it. But seein' you that day, it was like seein' a ghost.
[And he only words it that way because of their similar predicament.]
Did you always know? And just...not wanna talk about it?
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As for the rest... It gets him to settle and glance away for a moment before he corrects it. Talking about this is... difficult, really. He hasn't ever sat down and tried to process all of it, he's simply kept himself moving so he didn't have to think about it.
But now, being faced with it like this...]
You do have a rather distinctive appearance. I wasn't certain initially... but truthfully, I didn't want to consider it.
[What it meant that Raven was there, in the guilds, or what it meant that there was someone else going through the same thing. Perhaps, in some way, he was terrified that it would end like this - where they'd have to actually address all of this.]
Much of my time has been spent gathering information, and somewhere along the way I became certain I was right. But even so, what good would it to do discuss it? It... happened, and we're entirely different people now.
[And maybe that would be true if all ties to that life had been completely discarded, but that isn't the case for either of them, is it?]
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I can see where you're comin' from. I think that's why I never really looked into it further either. Because like hell do we need a better reminder of what happened ta us than the things keepin' us alive. Sounds like you've been thinkin' the same.
[But when Yeager mentions them being entirely different people, it's another hit home as to where the paths they've been walking down coincide.
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat as he tries to work through his thoughts on what to say next. Rubbing at his jaw, he continues.]
...But now that you're here in fronta me, and I've seen yer blastia for myself, I... I dunno. It's indescribable, knowin' for sure I'm not alone. I woulda never wished this on ya, but in a terrible way it feels relievin' ta know there's someone out there I can actually relate to.
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I understand, of course. Someone else who has experienced the same thing... It's a bit crazy to think about, truthfully. Not thinking about it has always been so much easier.
[He managed to go for so long until everything started catching up with him like this, but that likely isn't quite how Raven's been handling it.]
I'm not sure I really know what to say now that we actually have the time to talk about it.
[Even if he hadn't been actively avoiding it back home, they're both busy people, and their paths never crossed in meaningful ways. It's a little odd that they have to deal with it here and now, but perhaps in some morbid way that also makes it a bit easier.]
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[...]
I think we deserve a pass, considerin' neither of us should be talkin' ta each other in the first place.
[But he doesn't want to just let heavy silence creep in, or leave and never speak of this again. As much as continuing to avoid this sounds great, they've come way too far now.]
All right, let's start with this. Has your blastia given ya physical problems? I joke about bein' old and tired, but this thing really does knock the wind outta me if I exert myself too much.
[it's not about their past lives, about what Alexei did. It's about them, as they are now. Their current struggles.]
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I've noticed the same thing. While I still can handle myself perfectly well even without Gauche and Droite's assistance, it's far easier on me to have them around just in case.
[In other words, they can handle the random encounters so he doesn't risk straining himself. Boss battles should be saved for important moments!!]
I will admit that I am lucky in that mine has never caused any other problems; if it had, I'm not entirely sure what I could have done about it.
[It's not like he's ever let anyone else see it, after all, and the idea of trying to explain it to anyone with the proper blastia knowledge to handle it is horrid, so he'd really rather not.]
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Raven's eyes widen slightly in realization.]
That's a good point, actually. You coulda been in some deep shit if it seriously malfunctioned. [He absentmindedly reaches toward where his blastia is, remembering what happened to him in Heliord.] Even I don't know how the thing actually works, and I've had ta watch Alexei fiddle with it a bunch of times over the years...
[Which...kind of segues into a more awkward topic, if only briefly.]
I'm...guessin' you and Alexei don't exactly have the same relationship.
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I can only imagine how dreadful that was.
[Though given how different their relationships are with Alexei, maybe it wasn't all that bad for Raven. Still, letting anyone look at the blastia for an extended period of time sends chills down Yeager's spine.
At that question, he pauses for a moment, briefly considering how to answer.]
Not at all. If I had a choice in it, I wouldn't have anything to do with him.
[He left the Empire all those years ago and never had any intention of returning.]
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[That includes anyone who wants to get physically intimate with him. He just...can't, and that's not even getting into his other hangups.
...
"If I had a choice in it"... Raven finds himself running a hand down his face.]
I don't blame you, not one bit. I joined the guilds because Alexei wants me ta keep an eye on the Don, but the more time I've spent with him in Dahngrest and with those kids in Brave Vesperia...the less connected ta my old life I feel. I see why ya worked yer way into the Union yerself.
[But Yeager still does have a connection too, it sounds like.]
I won't ask ya ta go into specifics as ta why you're answerin' to him then. I try not ta question why he's doin' what he's doin' these days as it is.
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[And in some ways, maybe that's still all it is. The further away he gets from it, the more drastically different his life becomes, then the less he has to think about it.]
But I can't say I regret that decision at all. I really do enjoy the guilds.
[It's easy to see where "Raven" became more than just a mask. The Don was an exceptional individual, and Raven's time with Brave Vesperia and friends has undoubtedly shaped him too, even in ways he likely didn't realize and may not be aware of even now.
The last part gets a brief pause from him again before he lifts his shoulders a bit.]
That's the best way to handle it. Regardless of what our... arrangement is like back in Terca Lumireis, things are very different here, ja?
[He doesn't care to protect Alexei, but making waves about this seems ill-advised. Right now they've got bigger things to worry about.]
I still don't know exactly what he's up to, and exactly what it is he's trying to accomplish.
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[So Yeager really did bolt like, immediately. If that's the case, then...as far as Alexei was concerned, there really only was one survivor.
As for their current circumstances...man, hearing that from Yeager leaves him feeling even more uneasy.]
And you have more memories than I do... [His gaze drifts to the floor for a moment as he considers it. What the hell is going on in Alexei's head?] I know you've got no reason ta care, but I've been tryin' ta get him ta talk. You're probably right about not pushin' it too hard here, though. Hamelin's decided ta make him our biggest problem at the moment.
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I must admit, I am curious about it... But ja, we can't exactly prioritize everything going on back home when we have this situation to deal with.
Though given how little there is to do here... maybe you'll have some success at getting him to talk at some point.
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He's...been pretty evasive so far. Says my concerns are unwarranted. [Which obviously doesn't sit right with him from the look of frustration on his face.] And I have no idea how ta even approach talkin' ta him about today...
[About how he never knew he wasn't the only survivor from the platoon, and why Alexei never bothered to tell him. But at this point...what even is there to say?]
But yeah, ya do bring up a good point. If we've got enough downtime...maybe he'll relent a little.
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We haven't been working together the whole time.
[So it's possible Alexei assumed he died. It's possible that he really did mean it, that Raven was the only one - because he was the only one still around. It wasn't exactly the truth, but it wasn't precisely a lie either; he didn't stick around for any longer than was absolutely necessary. The moment he could move was the moment he escaped, and he didn't look back.]
Still, you'd think it would be important information for you to have... particularly when we were in the same area.
[While he may find fighting over a box hilarious, he doubts Raven shares that sentiment!!!]
Anyway, he likely has his reasons for keeping secrets, whatever those may be. I'm certain whatever he has to say about me won't be particularly kind, but I don't really care. Feel free to ask him whatever you'd like.
[It's easier to shove that off on Alexei than to have to answer for himself. Can Alexei even answer any of the questions Raven might have? Maybe not, but whatever, he'd rather not deal with it!]