[Alexei doesn't go down to the dungeons often; he's been here once since he got here, solely to see what was down in this area, and he hasn't been back since.
It should bother him, that he's coming down for this. But he's had some time for himself, time enough to get whatever feelings he may be having under control, time enough to hate himself and let the hatred just freeze everything over, the way it always does.
He isn't sure if it's harder for him to do that nowadays or not. He thinks it might be; he thinks that's a bad sign. Loss of control like that is nothing but a weakness to be exploited; it gets people killed.
If he had done better - if he'd been enough for once in his godforsaken life - then maybe he would be down here instead.
But for now he makes his way down, and he pauses a bit before entering the corridor, before finding the person he's looking for in whichever of these cells he may happen to be.]
[He flinches at the sharpness, but doesn't move from his position. He grips tightly at his pants as he keeps his head bowed.]
I was supposed to walk away from this, not be in here. I- I shouldn't have let Tenn examine me. If I hadn't, maybe the votes wouldn't have been as close.
[But the only thing that he could think at the time were those words ringing in his ears. The things that Alexei shouted at Makoto.
In that moment, he couldn't stand the thought of Alexei going out over him, even if his dream would still be achieved in the end.]
You shouldn't have. And yet knowing all of that, you did anyway. It's unlike you to be careless, much less deliberately so.
[And that's part of what's been bothering him, the knowledge that Schwann knew what his orders were, he knew that failure would be unacceptable. And yet...]
You knew what would happen if you allowed that. Why did you?
[Schwann is quiet for a moment, trying to get a handle on his emotions that he shouldn't be having. He's failing miserably, and his blastia acting up isn't helping any.]
I... [He reaches up to clutch at his chest.] I didn't think everyone's attention would turn to you as hard as it did. They were pushing you so hard, I couldn't...
[...]
More than anything, I didn't want to hear Hamelin read out your name.
[And even then, it happened anyway. If Hamelin hadn't counted the abstained votes, he...by a single vote.]
[There's something in that that strikes him hard, and it strikes him badly, and he isn't sure what he should do in response to it; it drives up something deep within his chest, and for some reason there's anger in it but he's fairly sure that isn't the reaction he actually wants to have.
It was a mistake coming here.
That's the first and most prevalent thought he has with regards to all of this, that it was a mistake to come here and he really should just leave, because tools are worthless if they can't do the basic tasks that they were created to do; he has nothing more to do here, nothing else that he wants to say - but that isn't true, is it. It's not that he has nothing more to say but rather that he has no way to say it, and he's sort of staring by this point but bluntly put, he can't bring himself to care.]
It's as I said. I...knew what was going to happen. I was at peace with it.
[The words are strangely blank, as though he's not sure what he should be doing with himself.]
I know. I just... [He cuts himself off for a second to restart. No excuses.] I wasn't supposed to bring my feelings into this. Dolls aren't supposed to have feelings.
I was weak and selfish, and I failed you because of it.
[Alexei's dream would finally be secured if it wasn't for him bringing emotions into this. He's such a worthless excuse for a tool.]
It was so much easier to try to keep this professional, though. But he knows that isn't what he wanted, anyway. He's dying tomorrow, and there's so much he's never gotten to say because Alexei never needed to hear what he thought. If Alexei's giving him permission, then he should...]
I heard what you said to Makoto. I... For a long time, I did resent you. To the point where I wanted to stay as Raven forever if ever given the chance.
[At the start of all of this, he said that his wish was likely the same as Alexei's.
It wasn't.]
But the time we spent here made me think about it more. About...certain feelings I didn't even realize you had for me. And what you said to Makoto really drove it home that...despite that, I couldn't stop the guilt from eating at me when you would speak to me of your dreams, even if I was starting to lose sight of what you were even trying to do.
[He just wanted to turn his emotions off as he always had, because that's what a good tool with no will of its own does.]
I didn't want for you to die and not even get to that wish finally fulfilled.
[...and even then, he still can't fully spit it out.]
Did you think that I didn't know, somehow, how much you resented me? It was fairly obvious; I'm not blind, nor am I stupid. I've always been well aware.
I suppose that's why I'm surprised you didn't allow things to follow through as they were. Both you and Yeager would be rid of me that way, would you not?
[He's able to keep his tone fairly neutral as he says it; it isn't something that's particularly difficult for him. At least that aspect of things, anyway.
Everything else...well.]
What I said to Makoto... I stand by it in that your thoughts are yours to do as you see fit with. And I've already told you what I intend to do, whether you hate me for it or not.
Either way, I have no intention of punishing you now, or holding this too deeply against you. It's ultimately Hamelin's fault that you're there, not yours.
[He just grits his teeth and bears the entire verbal thrashing that he receives in return for finally speaking up. That's...about what he expected, honestly, but part of him was hoping it would have gone differently.
As much as he wants to just curl in on himself and not say anything, he...]
I won't hate you for it.
[Alexei most likely didn't want to actually know what his thoughts were, but he did say he can do with them what he wants. And he wants this thought to be heard.]
[That gets a soft but distinctly agitated noise out of him.]
After all of this, you-
[He can hear his tone becoming sharp and elevated again, and he forcibly cuts himself off before he can say anything else; he's aware, somewhere in there, that he literally just told Schwann to actually talk to him and proceeded to punish him for doing so for some goddamn arbitrary reason, and he just tries to make himself breathe for a moment to keep himself from doing it again.
He seems calmer when he speaks again. It's hard to say whether he actually is or if he's just forcing himself to be.]
This isn't happening because you're weak, or selfish, or because of anything you did wrong. If Tenn hadn't checked you over, it would have been done again anyway, by someone you don't trust as much.
[He closes his eyes for a moment. Forces whatever agitation might be welling up back down.]
You've done all you can, and in the end you chose to spare my life. I... I won't punish you for that.
[Schwann is fully prepared for a second round of punishment, but looks up at Alexei with surprise when it doesn't come. Instead, what he gets is...
Something that he has no idea what to do with.
His gaze drops again, this time followed by trembling shoulders and a sorry attempt at concealing the overflow of emotion that he can't deal with anymore.]
[He approaches the bars quietly, letting the fingers of one hand wrap around one of them while he tries to sort out what to do with this; after a while he seems to decide on just allowing himself to be unsure. He's never been good with displays of emotion - either his own or other people's - and this isn't really an exception; when he finds something else to say, it's...awkward, but it's something.]
You haven't failed me. I don't want you to die believing that.
[Someday, if he’s blessed with the opportunity, he’ll have a lot of apologizing to do. Alexei doesn’t need to deal with this on top of everything else, he knows that.
Awkward though his words may be, they mean just as much to hear as what set off Schwann’s emotions in the first place. Alexei is not someone to say things to people because he knows it’s what they want to hear. This is genuine, and more comforting than Schwann believes he deserves. But that doesn’t stop him from accepting them. He’ll hold them close to his heart (…or lackthereof) when the end comes.]
…Thank you, Alexei.
[Not sir. Alexei.]
I wish I could properly put it into words how much this has all meant to me.
He tries, for a moment, to figure out how he feels about being addressed like that; he decides that ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. It is what it is, and he doesn't hate it, and he sort of has to acknowledge that sometimes he and Schwann have to initially handle things by deciding they don't hate the thing in question.]
...Honestly, even if you could, I would probably just snap at you again...
[It's not an apology, but it's about as close as he gets.
Anyway...]
I won't waste what you've given me. And I have no intention of following you. That much is still true, even now.
[Those of us that have been left behind have an obligation to continue living for those who no longer can.]
[Oddly enough, that gets a noise from Schwann that could be considered positive.]
I would deserve it, considering it would probably be a rambling mess anyway.
[Schwann had a good reason for keeping quiet as much as he did. He's just about as bad at emotions as Alexei.
But...yeah. He does fall silent again as he processes that second bit. Though Alexei didn't say it aloud, it's hard for those words to not replay in Schwann's mind. He slowly raises to his feet so he's on Alexei's level once more, and tentatively reaches out toward the bars to put a hand on Alexei's.]
I'm not leaving you behind. Not this time.
[Before all of this, once upon a time, Schwann Oltorain wandered through his life waiting for his time to finally come. But now? If he could do it all again, he'd find some way to talk Alexei out of what just transpired so neither of them would be in this position. He's glad to be going instead of Alexei, but that doesn't mean it was easy to choose their potential deaths either. Between Brave Vesperia and everyone here...they've taught him that maybe life really is worth living, even if he resented the second chance he got at first.
So that's why he won't hate Alexei if he and the others manage to find a way to bring the dead back. This time, it's something that he'd want more than anything.]
[He flinches slightly at the touch, but it's not enough to imply that he wants to pull away - it's more that he wasn't expecting it than anything, but he settles quickly enough. The words, however... The words lance through him hard, causing something to crack sharply in his chest, dripping down cold like ice; he can't bring himself to make eye contact, letting his gaze shoot low as his breathing catches hard.]
I...
[He hasn't been doing particularly well at keeping his emotions in check while he's been down here, but he hasn't felt this close to outright breaking in a long time; doing so is unforgivable, everything that he's been doing here is unforgivable, it's all something to be exploited again and again until there's nothing left because that's the price people pay for their closeness - it blinds them to what matters, and to the intentions of those who would rather you be dead than inconvenient.
It's safer to not allow it, for emotions to be unforgivable trespasses, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't know how else to respond to this; it's hard to process, really - the notion that after all this time, that's literally all he's wanted to hear. It fixes nothing, but he can't say it changes nothing; he shakes his head a bit, the gesture tight, and the sound he offers is almost amused in a sick, broken sort of way.]
I'll hold you to it, then. I'm...rather tired of it, at this point.
[Alexei's been so good at hiding his emotions that any changes to the status quo do not go unnoticed by Schwann. And the longer he's spent with Alexei here, especially here and now, the more he feels like an absolute fool for refusing to question any of the changes that he saw from Alexei back home. How different would things have been if he had?
Well, he's not making that mistake anymore. He gives Alexei's hand a gentle squeeze as he rests his forehead between the bars.]
Yes... I imagine you are.
[This week only served as a reminder of how many have gone before Alexei, and now Schwann is about to leave him too.
"All I have left now is you."]
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to realize it.
[And to realize how much seeing Alexei struggle like this in front of him hurts.]
[He doesn't say anything for a good while; he just tries to get his emotions back under control, already chastising himself for letting as much through as he has, and he hasn't managed it by the time he finds something to say.
Almost. But not entirely.]
I don't fault you for it. You shouldn't be expected to handle all of that.
[If he can't regulate his own emotions he's certainly not going to ask anyone else to; they were pretty damn unregulated when he'd first brought Schwann back, surely, but since then... Since then it's been easier to dismiss them altogether, to discard them as meaningless, to just let things lie as they are without trying to process them.
He's out of practice by now, really.]
You certainly don't need to start concerning yourself with it now. I'll manage. You know I always do.
[Judging from the tone of his response, apparently this is the perfect time for him to start concerning himself with it.]
I won't think less of you if you need to let your emotions out. [Considering he's the one causing all of it right now.] I didn't think I was ever very good at...this sort of thing, but I've been told that it helped when I was there for others. So before I have to leave you for a little while...let me handle it, just this once.
Ah... It hits Schwann a bit strangely to hear Alexei actually say that aloud. His eyes widen slightly, and he has to likewise take a moment to collect himself.]
For the same reason I want to stay by your side.
[Though Alexei won't look at him, Schwann keeps his eyes level on him.]
For so long, I closed myself off just as you had. I let myself sit in my misery and refused to open my eyes to the merits of what you had given me. I refused to let myself consider that you actually cared for me beyond what I could offer you as a tool, and I was content to just let that continue until I died.
You've done something horrible to me- that I won't ignore. But...I also wouldn't be here now if you hadn't. I wouldn't have met the Don, or Brave Vesperia, I would never have gone through this experience with you, Yeager and the others.
[He sighs and shakes his head.]
I just... I just want to. I've let myself want for nothing for ten years, Alexei. Please, just let me offer you something with my own will.
[Again, he doesn't answer right away; whether it's because he's just finding words or because he is absolutely refusing to break - in front of anyone, honestly, Schwann or otherwise - is difficult to say. His grip is going incredibly tight against that bar he's holding onto, though.]
...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.
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week 5 | post-trial
It should bother him, that he's coming down for this. But he's had some time for himself, time enough to get whatever feelings he may be having under control, time enough to hate himself and let the hatred just freeze everything over, the way it always does.
He isn't sure if it's harder for him to do that nowadays or not. He thinks it might be; he thinks that's a bad sign. Loss of control like that is nothing but a weakness to be exploited; it gets people killed.
If he had done better - if he'd been enough for once in his godforsaken life - then maybe he would be down here instead.
But for now he makes his way down, and he pauses a bit before entering the corridor, before finding the person he's looking for in whichever of these cells he may happen to be.]
Schwann.
[It's cold, blunted. He hates this already.]
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Schwann is laying down on the bench when he hears someone approach. He slowly but surely lifts himself up by the time Alexei arrives.
...
And when he does, he slowly gets onto his knees.]
I am ready to accept the punishment for my failure.
[It doesn't feel right to start with anything else but that.]
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[That's... It's sharper than he wanted it to be. Harsh.
He takes a moment. Tries to breathe.]
Besides, you've done nothing to warrant it.
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I was supposed to walk away from this, not be in here. I- I shouldn't have let Tenn examine me. If I hadn't, maybe the votes wouldn't have been as close.
[But the only thing that he could think at the time were those words ringing in his ears. The things that Alexei shouted at Makoto.
In that moment, he couldn't stand the thought of Alexei going out over him, even if his dream would still be achieved in the end.]
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[And that's part of what's been bothering him, the knowledge that Schwann knew what his orders were, he knew that failure would be unacceptable. And yet...]
You knew what would happen if you allowed that. Why did you?
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I... [He reaches up to clutch at his chest.] I didn't think everyone's attention would turn to you as hard as it did. They were pushing you so hard, I couldn't...
[...]
More than anything, I didn't want to hear Hamelin read out your name.
[And even then, it happened anyway. If Hamelin hadn't counted the abstained votes, he...by a single vote.]
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It was a mistake coming here.
That's the first and most prevalent thought he has with regards to all of this, that it was a mistake to come here and he really should just leave, because tools are worthless if they can't do the basic tasks that they were created to do; he has nothing more to do here, nothing else that he wants to say - but that isn't true, is it. It's not that he has nothing more to say but rather that he has no way to say it, and he's sort of staring by this point but bluntly put, he can't bring himself to care.]
It's as I said. I...knew what was going to happen. I was at peace with it.
[The words are strangely blank, as though he's not sure what he should be doing with himself.]
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I know. I just... [He cuts himself off for a second to restart. No excuses.] I wasn't supposed to bring my feelings into this. Dolls aren't supposed to have feelings.
I was weak and selfish, and I failed you because of it.
[Alexei's dream would finally be secured if it wasn't for him bringing emotions into this. He's such a worthless excuse for a tool.]
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...You have my permission to speak freely. Don't... Don't concern yourself with what you think I want to hear.
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It was so much easier to try to keep this professional, though. But he knows that isn't what he wanted, anyway. He's dying tomorrow, and there's so much he's never gotten to say because Alexei never needed to hear what he thought. If Alexei's giving him permission, then he should...]
I heard what you said to Makoto. I... For a long time, I did resent you. To the point where I wanted to stay as Raven forever if ever given the chance.
[At the start of all of this, he said that his wish was likely the same as Alexei's.
It wasn't.]
But the time we spent here made me think about it more. About...certain feelings I didn't even realize you had for me. And what you said to Makoto really drove it home that...despite that, I couldn't stop the guilt from eating at me when you would speak to me of your dreams, even if I was starting to lose sight of what you were even trying to do.
[He just wanted to turn his emotions off as he always had, because that's what a good tool with no will of its own does.]
I didn't want for you to die and not even get to that wish finally fulfilled.
[...and even then, he still can't fully spit it out.]
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I suppose that's why I'm surprised you didn't allow things to follow through as they were. Both you and Yeager would be rid of me that way, would you not?
[He's able to keep his tone fairly neutral as he says it; it isn't something that's particularly difficult for him. At least that aspect of things, anyway.
Everything else...well.]
What I said to Makoto... I stand by it in that your thoughts are yours to do as you see fit with. And I've already told you what I intend to do, whether you hate me for it or not.
Either way, I have no intention of punishing you now, or holding this too deeply against you. It's ultimately Hamelin's fault that you're there, not yours.
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As much as he wants to just curl in on himself and not say anything, he...]
I won't hate you for it.
[Alexei most likely didn't want to actually know what his thoughts were, but he did say he can do with them what he wants. And he wants this thought to be heard.]
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After all of this, you-
[He can hear his tone becoming sharp and elevated again, and he forcibly cuts himself off before he can say anything else; he's aware, somewhere in there, that he literally just told Schwann to actually talk to him and proceeded to punish him for doing so for some goddamn arbitrary reason, and he just tries to make himself breathe for a moment to keep himself from doing it again.
He seems calmer when he speaks again. It's hard to say whether he actually is or if he's just forcing himself to be.]
This isn't happening because you're weak, or selfish, or because of anything you did wrong. If Tenn hadn't checked you over, it would have been done again anyway, by someone you don't trust as much.
[He closes his eyes for a moment. Forces whatever agitation might be welling up back down.]
You've done all you can, and in the end you chose to spare my life. I... I won't punish you for that.
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Something that he has no idea what to do with.
His gaze drops again, this time followed by trembling shoulders and a sorry attempt at concealing the overflow of emotion that he can't deal with anymore.]
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You haven't failed me. I don't want you to die believing that.
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Awkward though his words may be, they mean just as much to hear as what set off Schwann’s emotions in the first place. Alexei is not someone to say things to people because he knows it’s what they want to hear. This is genuine, and more comforting than Schwann believes he deserves. But that doesn’t stop him from accepting them. He’ll hold them close to his heart (…or lackthereof) when the end comes.]
…Thank you, Alexei.
[Not sir. Alexei.]
I wish I could properly put it into words how much this has all meant to me.
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He tries, for a moment, to figure out how he feels about being addressed like that; he decides that ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. It is what it is, and he doesn't hate it, and he sort of has to acknowledge that sometimes he and Schwann have to initially handle things by deciding they don't hate the thing in question.]
...Honestly, even if you could, I would probably just snap at you again...
[It's not an apology, but it's about as close as he gets.
Anyway...]
I won't waste what you've given me. And I have no intention of following you. That much is still true, even now.
[Those of us that have been left behind have an obligation to continue living for those who no longer can.]
cw past suicidal ideation
I would deserve it, considering it would probably be a rambling mess anyway.
[Schwann had a good reason for keeping quiet as much as he did. He's just about as bad at emotions as Alexei.
But...yeah. He does fall silent again as he processes that second bit. Though Alexei didn't say it aloud, it's hard for those words to not replay in Schwann's mind. He slowly raises to his feet so he's on Alexei's level once more, and tentatively reaches out toward the bars to put a hand on Alexei's.]
I'm not leaving you behind. Not this time.
[Before all of this, once upon a time, Schwann Oltorain wandered through his life waiting for his time to finally come. But now? If he could do it all again, he'd find some way to talk Alexei out of what just transpired so neither of them would be in this position. He's glad to be going instead of Alexei, but that doesn't mean it was easy to choose their potential deaths either. Between Brave Vesperia and everyone here...they've taught him that maybe life really is worth living, even if he resented the second chance he got at first.
So that's why he won't hate Alexei if he and the others manage to find a way to bring the dead back. This time, it's something that he'd want more than anything.]
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I...
[He hasn't been doing particularly well at keeping his emotions in check while he's been down here, but he hasn't felt this close to outright breaking in a long time; doing so is unforgivable, everything that he's been doing here is unforgivable, it's all something to be exploited again and again until there's nothing left because that's the price people pay for their closeness - it blinds them to what matters, and to the intentions of those who would rather you be dead than inconvenient.
It's safer to not allow it, for emotions to be unforgivable trespasses, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't know how else to respond to this; it's hard to process, really - the notion that after all this time, that's literally all he's wanted to hear. It fixes nothing, but he can't say it changes nothing; he shakes his head a bit, the gesture tight, and the sound he offers is almost amused in a sick, broken sort of way.]
I'll hold you to it, then. I'm...rather tired of it, at this point.
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Well, he's not making that mistake anymore. He gives Alexei's hand a gentle squeeze as he rests his forehead between the bars.]
Yes... I imagine you are.
[This week only served as a reminder of how many have gone before Alexei, and now Schwann is about to leave him too.
"All I have left now is you."]
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to realize it.
[And to realize how much seeing Alexei struggle like this in front of him hurts.]
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Almost. But not entirely.]
I don't fault you for it. You shouldn't be expected to handle all of that.
[If he can't regulate his own emotions he's certainly not going to ask anyone else to; they were pretty damn unregulated when he'd first brought Schwann back, surely, but since then... Since then it's been easier to dismiss them altogether, to discard them as meaningless, to just let things lie as they are without trying to process them.
He's out of practice by now, really.]
You certainly don't need to start concerning yourself with it now. I'll manage. You know I always do.
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[Judging from the tone of his response, apparently this is the perfect time for him to start concerning himself with it.]
I won't think less of you if you need to let your emotions out. [Considering he's the one causing all of it right now.] I didn't think I was ever very good at...this sort of thing, but I've been told that it helped when I was there for others. So before I have to leave you for a little while...let me handle it, just this once.
[Let him bear those unregulated emotions.]
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You don't have to offer me that.
[It's a bad night for eye contact; he seems aimless again, having clear difficulty focusing.]
How can you offer me that, after everything I've done to you?
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Ah... It hits Schwann a bit strangely to hear Alexei actually say that aloud. His eyes widen slightly, and he has to likewise take a moment to collect himself.]
For the same reason I want to stay by your side.
[Though Alexei won't look at him, Schwann keeps his eyes level on him.]
For so long, I closed myself off just as you had. I let myself sit in my misery and refused to open my eyes to the merits of what you had given me. I refused to let myself consider that you actually cared for me beyond what I could offer you as a tool, and I was content to just let that continue until I died.
You've done something horrible to me- that I won't ignore. But...I also wouldn't be here now if you hadn't. I wouldn't have met the Don, or Brave Vesperia, I would never have gone through this experience with you, Yeager and the others.
[He sighs and shakes his head.]
I just... I just want to. I've let myself want for nothing for ten years, Alexei. Please, just let me offer you something with my own will.
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...I wouldn't have cared about this, if it had happened shortly after we were brought here.
[He's trying so hard to keep his voice under control. To keep it even, and at least somewhat neutral despite everything.]
Things changed for me, after headquarters was destroyed. ...After what the Council did. [The amendment feels strange, but not incorrect or like something to be avoided; it was something to be avoided back home, of course, where everything is about impressions and an accusation of that degree can never be leveled, but here...things are different here.] It's easier to not be as deeply affected, when tools and pawns die. Because death is just a natural result of their actions - if they die, then they weren't suited to the task they were put up to. They weren't competent enough, or perhaps they weren't well-made in the first place, but the fact remains that when tools are destroyed there's a reason, and that reason isn't because I said the wrong thing during a negotiation, or I cared about them and someone decided to take advantage of that, or I was kept back instead of being permitted to be on the battlefield because for some godforsaken reason I was considered worth keeping alive while the same consideration wasn't given to people that are important to me.
It's...better to dismiss people. I don't fault you for not understanding that I cared for you, because for a long time I didn't.
[It's blunt, entirely straightforward despite the words themselves being so utterly unpleasant.]
It's another thing that I won't demand you should forgive me for. I understand if you resent me for it. I've...always understood that much.
But things have changed here. And...it's difficult, knowing the difference between the reaction I should be having to all this and the one that I am having.
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