[Schwann doesn't have a proper heart, so he doesn't get the sensation of its increased beating when Alexei touches him in that way. But he does find himself letting out a breath that he didn't know he was holding in as Alexei pulls his hand away.
"This is strange." He internally reminds himself. This isn't even close to the first time in which he's gotten intimate with someone, and yet now that it's Alexei, it suddenly feels so weird and foreign. The fact that it's wrong for a subordinate to do this with their superior, the fact that he's engaging with a man, the fact that Alexei drug him back from the sweet release of death and he's never fully processed his trauma over that, the fact that he's realizing how much he wants this.]
As you wish.
[He closes the distance between the two of them and, as politely as he possibly can be while doing this, nudges Alexei up against the nearest wall. It takes a bit of further maneuvering with the height difference between the two of them, but he manages to reach Alexei's lips, pressing his own against them as he grips onto Alexei's shoulders.
Shame, Alexei could have saved himself a drink if this occurred just a few hours sooner.]
[There are reasons why the Empire has rules against fraternization between superiors and their subordinates; there are several, in fact, and Alexei is certain that they're very good reasons, and fortunately for everyone he can't remember any of them at this exact point in time.
It leads to the entire thing feeling off somehow, wrong for the sake of some vague notion that he can't bring himself to care about; right now he's just focused on what they're doing, and to a lesser extent on the idea that if he hadn't told Schwann to do this in the first place he would have simply left without doing it because whatever common sense he has left would have won out, and he isn't altogether sure if that would have been for the better but that hardly matters now, does it. Right now they're doing this and Schwann is kissing him and if this had happened a while earlier Suga wouldn't have looked at him like that, maybe. It's...not particularly mind-blowing, if he's honest; nothing against Schwann, granted, he's sure he's good enough at this, it's just an odd thing for a first experience and it's...
...He doesn't hate it? He absolutely doesn't hate it and the idea of doing this with most people is kind of repulsive. If the experience is going to be weird either way, that at least seems like a point in the weird thing's favor.
When he pulls Schwann closer against him it's a firm enough gesture, though not so much so that it can't be broken off if anyone really wanted to. This is...good, he decides, in that way he has of overthinking literally everything; he has no experience with this sort of thing but they both went into this knowing that, and fortunately enough kissing is hardly brain surgery and he learns quickly enough.]
[Schwann can only wonder what's going through Alexei's mind as he takes this all in for the first time, cold and analytical as he tends to be about most things. Perhaps he'll have to ask when all is said and done.
Yes, when all is said and done. As it stands, now that he's engaged in this, he...doesn't want to stop just yet. He thought that a kiss alone would be weird enough that he would give Alexei one and that would be the end of it. However, the kiss being returned and Alexei's grip bringing their bodies against one another sends a shiver through him that he hasn't felt in quite some time. It gives him a sense of encouragement that despite how strange the situation is, inspires him to deepen the kiss.
Eventually he has to break away to take a proper breath. As he does so, he looks up at Alexei with inquiring eyes.]
May I continue?
[Alexei is in control of this after all, though Schwann's wording definitely implies that he's enjoying this enough to want to introduce some more aspects of intimacy to him.]
[When he breathes in it's deep and slow, as though he's trying to regain his bearings after a decent period of not quite being there; the kiss being deepened like that hadn't been anything he'd felt inclined to stop, though now that it's passed it's...taking him a moment.
Does he want to continue? There isn't much of a question, as far as he's concerned.
He nods a bit, the gesture tight.]
You may.
[So at the very least, it's confirmation that he is interested - that this is something that he wants, something he's taking some degree of pleasure in, and this is going more than well enough for his liking.]
["Good." A part of him thinks as he goes in for another kiss. For Alexei to be unsatisfied would be, admittedly, quite a blow to Schwann's ego. Who could have imagined that he would concern himself over this sort of performance? Perhaps his time as Raven has truly been rubbing off on him in all the wrong ways.
He doesn't linger against Alexei's lips for very long this time, however. Instead, he meanders down to Alexei's jaw to plant a kiss there too. Should Alexei be wearing a collared shirt at the moment, it will be gently tugged aside so Schwann's lips can access his neck.
All the while, he's taking in Alexei's reactions to these new gestures. How does someone as calm and serious as the Commandant take such stimulation? That curiosity is part of what compels him to keep it up.
[Alexei is strangely quiet throughout this entire thing; the only sound he offers is quiet, under his breath, as the kisses find his neck. It's hardly displeased, however, and his grip against Schwann's back tightens involuntarily before he seems to realize and makes himself loosen it a little - not nearly enough to imply that he wants to let go, because he doesn't, but enough to not seem desperate.
Always concerned with impressions, even now.
Granted, it also allows one of his hands to make its way up, fingers burying into Schwann's hair; the gesture is awkward, surely, but it's an affectionate one, stroking through it gently before finding purchase at the nape of Schwann's neck, fingertips kneading into the skin there in a way that's definitely encouraging.
This is something he's going to hate later. Having done all of this here, now... He should be putting a stop to it, he should have more control than this. Especially over Schwann - this is something that shouldn't even have crossed their minds as acceptable. But he can hate himself later; right now his mind is hazy with Hamelin's song from earlier this week and just how good all of this feels and the vague thought that this is something he'll never get to have back in Terca Lumireis - that this is something it never even crossed his mind to want back in Terca Lumireis, because that would involve feelings he isn't allowed to have anymore.
Out of the lot of them, Schwann has always been the one he's trusted most; he's the closest thing to a person that anyone is allowed to be to him, and even then... Even then it's easier to dismiss him as something else, a tool, a doll, some sort of thing that he created, about as complex as the Heracles but equally as unquestioning. Right now it's difficult to keep sight of that - not with Schwann's body pressed up against his, not with the way he seems so interested in doing this and doing it well - and he isn't sure what he should feel about that.
This isn't something he should want, but the fact of the matter is that he does, and for now that's enough.]
[Alexei isn't the only one who's going to be hating himself later, that's for sure. Schwann could internally be asking himself what the hell he's doing, with Alexei of all people. His relationship with the Commandant was supposed to be professional and nothing more- a relationship that he could hopefully escape one day. He'd been dreaming of it more and more in the days before his arrival here, that maybe, just maybe, he could become something more than Alexei's doll on a short leash. He thought that was all Alexei saw him as anyway. But if that's truly the case...how does it explain any of this, then? And how can he explain his own enjoyment that he's getting out of this? Had he wanted it all along too?
Instead of focusing on those concerns, he allows the alcohol still clouding his mind and Alexei's gestures of contentment guide him. The hand going through his hair and reaching his neck sends another shiver through him and the surge of pleasure nearly causes him to bite down into Alexei's neck. With a faint gasp, he stops short of running his teeth along skin, restraining himself from going further. He should not—cannot—mark Alexei like that.
But that excitement has to go somewhere, so he opts for bringing his arms down so he can run his hands along Alexei's sides and toward his chest, almost exploratory, like he's trying to find any other particularly sensitive spots to attend to.]
[Whether it's a matter of sensitivity or simply not expecting the contact is difficult to say; what is immediately evident is the sharp intake of breath, the soft hiss of air between his teeth at the shift, and it takes him a moment to realize that he's stopped with what he's doing at Schwann's neck. He resumes once he realizes; however, it doesn't change the fact that he's gone very tense, and eventually his free hand finds Schwann's wrist to stop him - it isn't a rebuke, far from, though he takes a moment to calm himself before he says anything.]
No.
[His gaze shifts a bit, somewhere between awkwardness and just...trying to get his bearings back.
He's still toying with Schwann's hair a little, despite himself.]
It isn't a reprimand; you've done nothing wrong. But we shouldn't. Not...beyond this.
[Stopped in his tracks, Schwann glances up in confusion for a second until Alexei clarifies.
...oh.
It's his turn for an awkward glance to the side as his face reddens again. He really was starting to take that pretty far, wasn't he?
He clears his throat.]
O-Of course, sir. If that is what you wish.
[He's trying very hard to not sound disappointed, because he wasn't in control in the first place. But now that he's been taken out of the rhythm he had going, he's realizing just how into it he had gotten.]
[Eye contact is going to be difficult for the next while, he can tell; he's still not quite managing it. He doesn't miss whatever's happening with Schwann's tone, there's an undercurrent there that he's aware of and rather blatantly going to decide not to read into.]
Whether it is or not isn't the point.
[He'll loosen his grip then, letting Schwann pull away should he choose to; this was... God, he can't bring himself to believe that he regrets it, because at the end of the day he doesn't. But it was ill-advised, this was so hideously ill-advised- ]
[Alexei might have processed how ill-advised this has been, but there's a bit of a mental barrier for Schwann at the moment. He's slow to react, choosing instead to remain where he is for the time being, just...admittedly, not wanting to completely remove himself from Alexei just yet. The hand on his back and in his hair is nice. Too nice.
He doesn't make any other unexpected movements though, apart from gently lowering his forehead against Alexei's chest so he doesn't have to look at him.
[For what it's worth, Alexei doesn't seem to want to disengage any more than Schwann does, not really; he seems content to let him stay there for as long as he wants, continuing to play with his hair loosely for the time being.
He lets his eyes slide closed; he isn't sure what to make of all of this now that it's something they aren't currently in the middle of. Was it nice? Probably.
It's strange to him to admit that much to another person, though.]
[Schwann's doing something similar, relaxing himself while Alexei continues playing with his hair. It's weirdly soothing- enough to make his drowsiness from earlier begin its return.]
It sounded like the most appropriate way to phrase it in my head.
[It wasn't the kind of service he should have been giving, but there's no going back now. The Council would have their heads if they found out about this. Good thing they never will. A perfect way to stick it to them.]
[The Council can, with all due respect, go fuck themselves; for as much as Alexei preoccupies himself with what could be considered scandal and what couldn't - things such as acting out while drinking and seeming too friendly with the Guilds are completely unthinkable - his concerns with the Council have been surprisingly absent for the current duration. They'll come back later tonight, and come morning he'll be infinitely more distant and back to the usual refusal to engage in any meaningful way, but for now... For now he's willing to keep up that same soothing contact, even if he isn't entirely sure why.
He isn't normally a gentle person; he tends to play rough with his tools. What had happened at Baction had been more than enough proof of that. It would be a lie, he thinks, to try to assert that this is anything he'd wanted from the start - that there had always been some desire for this out of everything.
But it would be likewise untrue to claim that he doesn't want it now. He can deal with that later.]
[The Council deserves full disrespect, to be honest.
Some time passes as they continue in silence, before Schwann speaks up again.]
Is asking you to stay here tonight worth a reprimand?
[He asks, knowing full well that it absolutely is and yet not being able to get the thought out of his head. He also knows full well that the moment Alexei leaves through that door, this will have never happened. It's his only opportunity to ask, so he's going to take it.
[He didn't mean to say that aloud, but it escapes him in his surprise. He really just asked Alexei Dinoia, Commandant of the Imperial Knights and the most complicated person in his life, to spend the night with him. And he didn't receive a reprimand.
Schwann is going to hate himself so much in the morning.
Tonight, however... Wow.]
I- I mean... Would you like to, then? I'll make it very comfortable.
[It's a good "wow"! And also a very surprised "wow". And...yes, a really drunk "wow".]
You know...that does have a much better ring to it than "I don't hate it".
[He slowly lifts himself up off of Alexei so they're both free to take this to the bed. It doesn't take him long at all to get it ready for the two of them from there.]
Did you need anything before...?
[Quiet motioning toward the bed... He has no idea how to not do this awkwardly. Even while drunk, it's kind of intimidating to prepare for Alexei of all people to enter your bed?!]
[He's just kind of watching this entire process; it's difficult to tell whether he's actually judging any of this or if that's just the expression his face has decided to settle into. It occurs to him, vaguely, that Schwann seems almost nervous about this; at the very least it's awkward, and while Alexei did not drink nearly as much as pretty much everyone else in that bar did tonight he's still got just enough in him to find this sort of endearing.]
[Oh no, he got called out on it! That just does wonders for making the flushing in his cheeks a little more prominent, and so he tries to look away toward the bed.]
I assure you I'm not doing this on purpose.
[Yes, yes he is very aware, but it's Alexei and-- Well, he was fine earlier once they'd gotten going with their makeout session. He'll probably be fine once they're in bed.]
Here, the bed is ready. Take whatever side you'd like.
[Fortunately enough for everyone here, Alexei is not overly picky about bed designations? He has preferences, as anyone does, but he can sleep pretty much wherever. So he'll just pick a side for now, and make his way over there, and...admittedly he's also going to fuss with the bedcovers for a moment before even sitting down on the damn bed because it seems to occur to him, incredibly belatedly, that he should find this awkward.
But eventually he'll settle, and this whole thing is...strange. Again, it's not really the sort of thing that it even really occurs to him to want to do with anyone else; granted, until it had been proposed he hadn't ever thought about wanting to do this with Schwann, either, but now that they've decided to...
...Well. He sort of wonders if they'll keep to the general sentiment of not doing anything.]
[Thank the goddess, now Schwann doesn't have to feel weird for being the only awkward one here. However, once he's kicked his shoes and shrugged his jacket off, the nerves begin to die down a little too. He joins Alexei on the open side of the bed, crawling under the covers and patting on Alexei's pillow for him to lie down too.
He's done this plenty of times with women, but the emotions and feelings were always at an arm's length. Here and now, though...whether it's the alcohol, Hamelin's song, something else entirely or all of the above, it's incredibly difficult to hold those things back.]
[The boots tend to be a production with regards to dealing with them, and he's content for now to take a moment, to let Schwann settle first before joining him under the covers; this is another thing that he'd obviously never done - one night stands weren't ever anything he'd been interested in, and committed relationships were out of the question for varying reasons, and overall he'd just...never had a reason to engage in anything like this.
He doesn't hate it, though. He's sort of back to using that as a metric, but he doesn't hate it, and it isn't uncomfortable and while it sort of brings with it a sense of "now what" even that isn't something he dislikes.]
...Thank you. For tonight.
[This has been...undeniably a weird experience, but he's allowing himself to decide that he likes it.]
[The "now what", for the time being, is Schwann snuggling up to Alexei as soon as he gets himself situated under the covers. He figures that Alexei hasn't done this before, so he may as well assist him in testing the waters. See what he thinks of a warm body up against him while in bed.]
It sure wasn't how I expected tonight to go, but it really has been nice, hasn't it?
[Not long ago, he would've been pretty horrified by the idea of spending the night with Alexei. But now he's gone from not hating to actually...liking it quite a lot.]
I'm glad I could make this an enjoyable first experience for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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"This is strange." He internally reminds himself. This isn't even close to the first time in which he's gotten intimate with someone, and yet now that it's Alexei, it suddenly feels so weird and foreign. The fact that it's wrong for a subordinate to do this with their superior, the fact that he's engaging with a man, the fact that Alexei drug him back from the sweet release of death and he's never fully processed his trauma over that, the fact that he's realizing how much he wants this.]
As you wish.
[He closes the distance between the two of them and, as politely as he possibly can be while doing this, nudges Alexei up against the nearest wall. It takes a bit of further maneuvering with the height difference between the two of them, but he manages to reach Alexei's lips, pressing his own against them as he grips onto Alexei's shoulders.
Shame, Alexei could have saved himself a drink if this occurred just a few hours sooner.]
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It leads to the entire thing feeling off somehow, wrong for the sake of some vague notion that he can't bring himself to care about; right now he's just focused on what they're doing, and to a lesser extent on the idea that if he hadn't told Schwann to do this in the first place he would have simply left without doing it because whatever common sense he has left would have won out, and he isn't altogether sure if that would have been for the better but that hardly matters now, does it. Right now they're doing this and Schwann is kissing him and if this had happened a while earlier Suga wouldn't have looked at him like that, maybe. It's...not particularly mind-blowing, if he's honest; nothing against Schwann, granted, he's sure he's good enough at this, it's just an odd thing for a first experience and it's...
...He doesn't hate it? He absolutely doesn't hate it and the idea of doing this with most people is kind of repulsive. If the experience is going to be weird either way, that at least seems like a point in the weird thing's favor.
When he pulls Schwann closer against him it's a firm enough gesture, though not so much so that it can't be broken off if anyone really wanted to. This is...good, he decides, in that way he has of overthinking literally everything; he has no experience with this sort of thing but they both went into this knowing that, and fortunately enough kissing is hardly brain surgery and he learns quickly enough.]
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Yes, when all is said and done. As it stands, now that he's engaged in this, he...doesn't want to stop just yet. He thought that a kiss alone would be weird enough that he would give Alexei one and that would be the end of it. However, the kiss being returned and Alexei's grip bringing their bodies against one another sends a shiver through him that he hasn't felt in quite some time. It gives him a sense of encouragement that despite how strange the situation is, inspires him to deepen the kiss.
Eventually he has to break away to take a proper breath. As he does so, he looks up at Alexei with inquiring eyes.]
May I continue?
[Alexei is in control of this after all, though Schwann's wording definitely implies that he's enjoying this enough to want to introduce some more aspects of intimacy to him.]
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Does he want to continue? There isn't much of a question, as far as he's concerned.
He nods a bit, the gesture tight.]
You may.
[So at the very least, it's confirmation that he is interested - that this is something that he wants, something he's taking some degree of pleasure in, and this is going more than well enough for his liking.]
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He doesn't linger against Alexei's lips for very long this time, however. Instead, he meanders down to Alexei's jaw to plant a kiss there too. Should Alexei be wearing a collared shirt at the moment, it will be gently tugged aside so Schwann's lips can access his neck.
All the while, he's taking in Alexei's reactions to these new gestures. How does someone as calm and serious as the Commandant take such stimulation? That curiosity is part of what compels him to keep it up.
It feeling good certainly helps too, of course.]
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Always concerned with impressions, even now.
Granted, it also allows one of his hands to make its way up, fingers burying into Schwann's hair; the gesture is awkward, surely, but it's an affectionate one, stroking through it gently before finding purchase at the nape of Schwann's neck, fingertips kneading into the skin there in a way that's definitely encouraging.
This is something he's going to hate later. Having done all of this here, now... He should be putting a stop to it, he should have more control than this. Especially over Schwann - this is something that shouldn't even have crossed their minds as acceptable. But he can hate himself later; right now his mind is hazy with Hamelin's song from earlier this week and just how good all of this feels and the vague thought that this is something he'll never get to have back in Terca Lumireis - that this is something it never even crossed his mind to want back in Terca Lumireis, because that would involve feelings he isn't allowed to have anymore.
Out of the lot of them, Schwann has always been the one he's trusted most; he's the closest thing to a person that anyone is allowed to be to him, and even then... Even then it's easier to dismiss him as something else, a tool, a doll, some sort of thing that he created, about as complex as the Heracles but equally as unquestioning. Right now it's difficult to keep sight of that - not with Schwann's body pressed up against his, not with the way he seems so interested in doing this and doing it well - and he isn't sure what he should feel about that.
This isn't something he should want, but the fact of the matter is that he does, and for now that's enough.]
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Instead of focusing on those concerns, he allows the alcohol still clouding his mind and Alexei's gestures of contentment guide him. The hand going through his hair and reaching his neck sends another shiver through him and the surge of pleasure nearly causes him to bite down into Alexei's neck. With a faint gasp, he stops short of running his teeth along skin, restraining himself from going further. He should not—cannot—mark Alexei like that.
But that excitement has to go somewhere, so he opts for bringing his arms down so he can run his hands along Alexei's sides and toward his chest, almost exploratory, like he's trying to find any other particularly sensitive spots to attend to.]
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No.
[His gaze shifts a bit, somewhere between awkwardness and just...trying to get his bearings back.
He's still toying with Schwann's hair a little, despite himself.]
It isn't a reprimand; you've done nothing wrong. But we shouldn't. Not...beyond this.
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...oh.
It's his turn for an awkward glance to the side as his face reddens again. He really was starting to take that pretty far, wasn't he?
He clears his throat.]
O-Of course, sir. If that is what you wish.
[He's trying very hard to not sound disappointed, because he wasn't in control in the first place. But now that he's been taken out of the rhythm he had going, he's realizing just how into it he had gotten.]
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Whether it is or not isn't the point.
[He'll loosen his grip then, letting Schwann pull away should he choose to; this was... God, he can't bring himself to believe that he regrets it, because at the end of the day he doesn't. But it was ill-advised, this was so hideously ill-advised- ]
...You've done what I asked of you. It was...
[It was...what, exactly?]
I appreciate it.
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[Alexei might have processed how ill-advised this has been, but there's a bit of a mental barrier for Schwann at the moment. He's slow to react, choosing instead to remain where he is for the time being, just...admittedly, not wanting to completely remove himself from Alexei just yet. The hand on his back and in his hair is nice. Too nice.
He doesn't make any other unexpected movements though, apart from gently lowering his forehead against Alexei's chest so he doesn't have to look at him.
It was...nice? Is that what he's reading here?]
I am honored to serve, as always.
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He lets his eyes slide closed; he isn't sure what to make of all of this now that it's something they aren't currently in the middle of. Was it nice? Probably.
It's strange to him to admit that much to another person, though.]
If that's what you would like to consider it.
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It sounded like the most appropriate way to phrase it in my head.
[It wasn't the kind of service he should have been giving, but there's no going back now. The Council would have their heads if they found out about this. Good thing they never will. A perfect way to stick it to them.]
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He isn't normally a gentle person; he tends to play rough with his tools. What had happened at Baction had been more than enough proof of that. It would be a lie, he thinks, to try to assert that this is anything he'd wanted from the start - that there had always been some desire for this out of everything.
But it would be likewise untrue to claim that he doesn't want it now. He can deal with that later.]
Well, I certainly don't mind.
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Some time passes as they continue in silence, before Schwann speaks up again.]
Is asking you to stay here tonight worth a reprimand?
[He asks, knowing full well that it absolutely is and yet not being able to get the thought out of his head. He also knows full well that the moment Alexei leaves through that door, this will have never happened. It's his only opportunity to ask, so he's going to take it.
But he's quick to add:]
Not to do anything, just...
[The room has one bed. But it's a big one.]
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[He says, knowing full well that it absolutely is and yet not really able to bring himself to give a damn, regarding that.]
Fortunately, I'm not interested in issuing one.
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[He didn't mean to say that aloud, but it escapes him in his surprise. He really just asked Alexei Dinoia, Commandant of the Imperial Knights and the most complicated person in his life, to spend the night with him. And he didn't receive a reprimand.
Schwann is going to hate himself so much in the morning.
Tonight, however... Wow.]
I- I mean... Would you like to, then? I'll make it very comfortable.
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As it stands, this is all very...
...
You know what, "wow" may be an accurate assessment, albeit a really drunk one.]
I...would like that, yes.
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You know...that does have a much better ring to it than "I don't hate it".
[He slowly lifts himself up off of Alexei so they're both free to take this to the bed. It doesn't take him long at all to get it ready for the two of them from there.]
Did you need anything before...?
[Quiet motioning toward the bed... He has no idea how to not do this awkwardly. Even while drunk, it's kind of intimidating to prepare for Alexei of all people to enter your bed?!]
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[He's just kind of watching this entire process; it's difficult to tell whether he's actually judging any of this or if that's just the expression his face has decided to settle into. It occurs to him, vaguely, that Schwann seems almost nervous about this; at the very least it's awkward, and while Alexei did not drink nearly as much as pretty much everyone else in that bar did tonight he's still got just enough in him to find this sort of endearing.]
...I'm sure you're aware you can relax?
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I assure you I'm not doing this on purpose.
[Yes, yes he is very aware, but it's Alexei and-- Well, he was fine earlier once they'd gotten going with their makeout session. He'll probably be fine once they're in bed.]
Here, the bed is ready. Take whatever side you'd like.
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But eventually he'll settle, and this whole thing is...strange. Again, it's not really the sort of thing that it even really occurs to him to want to do with anyone else; granted, until it had been proposed he hadn't ever thought about wanting to do this with Schwann, either, but now that they've decided to...
...Well. He sort of wonders if they'll keep to the general sentiment of not doing anything.]
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He's done this plenty of times with women, but the emotions and feelings were always at an arm's length. Here and now, though...whether it's the alcohol, Hamelin's song, something else entirely or all of the above, it's incredibly difficult to hold those things back.]
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He doesn't hate it, though. He's sort of back to using that as a metric, but he doesn't hate it, and it isn't uncomfortable and while it sort of brings with it a sense of "now what" even that isn't something he dislikes.]
...Thank you. For tonight.
[This has been...undeniably a weird experience, but he's allowing himself to decide that he likes it.]
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It sure wasn't how I expected tonight to go, but it really has been nice, hasn't it?
[Not long ago, he would've been pretty horrified by the idea of spending the night with Alexei. But now he's gone from not hating to actually...liking it quite a lot.]
I'm glad I could make this an enjoyable first experience for you.
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